Good evening. At dinner tonight, some people from the practice period were reminding me that I said at the last lecture that I gave during the practice period that I was going to talk about a particular text during this summer. And that was good that they reminded me because I sort of remembered. And it is... Really, one of my favorite texts is Beit Dogen, the founder of this school, and it's called Yui Butsu Yobutsu, which is Only a Buddha and a Buddha. It's kind of a long text, but I just wanted to talk about a little bit of it tonight. One of the first things it says in this fascicle, it's called, is that no person... can understand the teaching by themselves.

[01:01]

Nobody can understand the teaching by themselves. And then it goes on to say, only a Buddha and a Buddha can experience the teaching fully. So only a Buddha and a Buddha. So we might... wonder, that might make you feel like, well, I better go find some Buddha. If I want to experience the Buddha Dharma, if I want to know what the Buddha's teaching is about, I should go look for what I think is a Buddha. I mean, that's all we have to go by, right? So, an interesting, one of the interesting things that it says, soon after it says, no person by themselves can... understand what the teaching is, and only a Buddha and a Buddha together can experience it, is that it says you should notice that whatever you think doesn't really matter in terms of realization.

[02:12]

So this Buddha that you're looking for, internally or externally, It doesn't really matter what they think, what you think. I mean, we spend a lot of time thinking, right? I mean, even when we're doing other things, we, as humans, or at least as Western humans, I think, tend to rely on our thinking. We really think that we have to come up with the right answers, the right life for ourselves with, you know, should I go to Tassajara or not? Should I stay at Tassajara or not? Should I practice Buddhism? Should I, you know, stay with this person who I'm starting a relationship with? We have a lot of things that we deeply, deeply, deeply feel it's our responsibility to determine.

[03:18]

Is this the right thing or not the right thing? So this sentence, it actually says it twice in the first few paragraphs. You should notice that what you think does not matter one way or another in terms of realization. And the only thing that matters in terms of realization is, it says, realization itself. Or, I think we could say, the only thing that supports realization is... Excuse me, this gets a little wordy. The manifestation of reality. So life is going on and reality is being manifested. And that's actually what supports our realization is that we find ourselves in the midst of our life. So this may seem a little heady, even though what you think doesn't matter. So I wanted to go back to, you know, not every morning, once every two weeks or so, or once every ten days, we chant the Genjo Koan here in the morning.

[04:32]

And one of the well-known passages in that, it's again by Dogen, is to study Buddhism is to study the self. To study the self is to forget the self, To forget the self is to be, it says, actualized by myriad things. So I think this is one way for us to understand what is it to be a Buddha and a Buddha. So to study Buddhism is to study the self. I think there are many reasons why studying the self is the way for us to understand what is... What is realization or what is liberation or what is freedom? One of the reasons why studying the self is a good way to do that is, I think if we're honest, this is hard, you might disagree with me, but I think if we're honest, the self, myself, yourself, is really what matters to us most.

[05:40]

We may think that we... care the most about, you know, our spouse, our children. But I think if we look carefully, we do care about them. We really do care about them. And some portion of why we care about them is because of how it is for us. How they're being like, I have children. If they're not happy, I'm not happy. I really want them to be happy. I really do want them to be happy, but I also want them to be happy because I want to be happy. And it's very hard to be happy if my children aren't happy. And if my husband isn't happy, or if something happens to me, big impact. So I think if we look, and you might care about Tassajara, you might care, let's say Tassajara, maybe you care about Tassajara. A portion of why you care about Tassajara

[06:46]

some portion, maybe you can determine what the percentage is, of why you care about Tassajara, is because of what Tassajara does for you, right, of how it is for you to be a Tassajara. And there's nothing wrong with that. That is actually how human beings function. We are at a particular place. We are in a particular body. We have a particular mind, and that's where we experience the world from. So that's the other reason why it's very useful, very, maybe the only way to study freedom, liberation is by studying the self, because this is actually where we are. This is where we experience freedom, where we experience non-freedom, where we experience unhappiness, where we experience caring about things or holding on to things or trying to get away from things, we experience it in what we know as the self.

[07:56]

So this recommendation to study freedom by studying the self is the most direct path. That's our most direct path to understanding anything is by understanding seeing how does it interact with this body, this mind. So then that text goes on to say, to study the self is to forget the self. So I don't think this, I don't believe in my experience that this, that it works to try to forget the self. It's just how do you forget something? It's very easy if you get older, things get forgotten, but you don't really know how to forget them. You could just wait until you get older. But I think it takes a long time, and maybe the help of Alzheimer's or something like that, to forget the self.

[09:01]

So I don't recommend that one. But I think to study the self as to forget the self is one way of saying it might be to forget the or to put aside our idea of ourself, of which we have many. You know, we have one for every occasion. A lot of the time it's the same one, but we have variations. You know, we have who we think we should be, who we think we shouldn't be, who we think we shouldn't have to be, who we, you know, the ones that I like, the ones I don't like. We usually don't parse it out like that. We don't think, oh, now I'm thinking about this self, or now I'm thinking about that self. We just think, me. This is me. Oh, this is me. This is me. All those ideas of ourself, we hold on to with some tenacity in the wake of, or in the wind of,

[10:11]

going on around us. So, you know, we have an idea of ourself as a nice person, a friendly person, and then someone comes up to us in a way that is not friendly or that seems to us disrespectful or frightening, and we do something that we really don't like, you know, that's not me. I don't want to be that person. I want to be this other person. Well, I really am this other person. It's just the way they did that, that made me be like this. But really, I'm this person, this well-intentioned person, this polite person, this strong person, this many things that we hold on to in spite of what happens during the day, how we respond. So that's... The key is not to try to forget the self, but to loosen our grip on ourself and actually notice how we are actualized by the myriad things.

[11:21]

To turn our attention, if we can, from the self that we're trying to carry around, the one that we think we should be, or the one that we think we shouldn't be, and actually turn our attention to the the one that arises when the work leader asks us to do the dishes or the project that we're working on goes very wrong, or to turn our attention to that self, whoever that self is, and study that self. Study by... Try this... way of saying it, study by being open-hearted to it. Study by noticing that it really is there. We don't have to exactly time how long it lasts because each moment we can just notice that it's there.

[12:28]

We also don't have to decide what to call it. We don't have to decide, is this a nice self or a you know, evil self or any of those things. We just have to turn our attention toward it and kind of, maybe we could say, bow to it, respect it, acknowledge it. Again, not even so much consciously. We actually can't acknowledge consciously each self because it's flowing along. We don't have time to think about it. It's more of an attitude toward it. Like, okay, there it is. There it is. And again, the biggest movement, the biggest change, is that we're not holding on to this other self that somehow needs to be either created or protected from. We've actually let go of that one and made some space for what's there.

[13:34]

This is, I think, kind of the essence of what's going on in Zazen is some... We're not doing this. We're just sitting down, and out of that comes some capacity for being with the self that arises, for just letting... what arise and not gripping the self that we think we're supposed to have or getting rid of the one that we aren't supposed to have. To just let the one that is there arise. Again, with perhaps this open-heartedness. Oh, there it is. Some warmth toward... And even if we're meeting a Buddha, it isn't always a pleasant experience.

[14:40]

It might be more pleasant than a lot of the way we go around trying to protect ourselves. But given that we have a body and a mind, anybody that we're meeting, it can sometimes be a little unpleasant. It can... It can bring up things that aren't... They just aren't pleasant. They might also be not what we hoped for, but that's a little extra. Even without that, it's just frightening or sad. Even if you fall deeply in love with someone and you are happy forever after, maybe you're the prince and... Cinderella or whoever it was, and you live happily ever after. And yet, at some point, one of you is going to die, and it's going to be sad. It's going to hurt.

[15:43]

So, especially when we let someone, or let or not, when somebody is close to us, there's some unpleasantness in being... in being actualized by the myriad things, actualized by that particular thing. There could be some unpleasantness. And at Tassajara, everybody's close. It's a very narrow valley. Some are closer than others, but actually everybody's pretty close. So if, whether you're here for a few days, And certainly if you're here for a few months, somebody is going to actualize you in a slightly uncomfortable way. This is okay. This does not mean that this is a mistake.

[16:46]

It might feel like a mistake. You might wonder, is this a mistake? It is a mistake. I shouldn't have to work with that person or I shouldn't have to look at them. Sometimes we feel like I shouldn't have to see this person. They make me feel so bad. That's the self that needs to be studied. That's the one that needs to be not dissected and laid out so we can label the parts, but actually just open our hearts to that self. That's the one that can allow us to live freely if we can let that self arise, if we can be actualized as that self. if we have the capacity to actualize all the selves that want to appear here, then we can live freely. So I think this is what is meant by a Buddha and a Buddha experiencing what the teaching is, experiencing the Buddha Dharma, is we stay with the actualized self,

[17:57]

We may be able to say something about it or we may not, but we can actually be there with it. And then the next one happens. And then the next one happens. So the Buddha and a Buddha, and it doesn't really matter. It's not that it doesn't matter what you think about it. It does matter because what we think has such a big impact on us. but it doesn't really get us closer to realization to have thoughts about it or not have thoughts about it. It's more having the capacity. I think it's something like settledness. The settledness to let another self be actualized and another self be actualized and to take the next step. What's the next step? What's the next step? to mention a small poem that some of you have heard already.

[19:12]

And then I want to see if you have any comments or thoughts. This poem was written by Harry Roberts, who is a... You know the poem already, right? Some of you. Harry Roberts was a... I think he is... Irish, Roberts, right? Irish, maybe? Or Scottish or something. A man who lived, spent most of his life with the, I think, Yurok Indians and really studied with them from when he was a child. And then late in his life, helped us at Green Gulch Farm to start the farming there. And by that time, he was a teacher in the Yurok tribe. And he wrote a small book about walking in beauty is the name of it, which is kind of the teaching of the Yurik tribe, how to walk in beauty.

[20:18]

And one of his teachers once asked him, what is seafoam? So in his training... His teachers would ask him many things, and often they would ask him things in poetry. But in this case, one of the teachers just asked him, what is sea foam? And he came back with a poem, which he says that his teacher accepted it. And if he hadn't accepted it, it wouldn't be there in the book. And he knew he accepted it because he laughed. So Harry Roberts said back to his teacher, Seafoam is a bit of ocean captured by the wind. Seafoam is a bit of wind captured by the ocean. Somehow this poem really expresses to me this only a Buddha and a Buddha.

[21:22]

Studying the self by... allowing the self to be actualized by the myriad things, to allow ourselves to be captured by this situation and that situation, to allow ourselves to capture a little bit of somebody else. And that seafoam that happens between us, that situation that arises, that might be called seafoam, just a little bit of... A little bit of you and a little bit of me captured and mixed together and kind of what is it? It's a little bit of ocean captured by the wind or a little bit of wind captured by the ocean or a little bit of us happening together. And can we be there for it? Can we let it happen? Can we maybe experience the joy of it or maybe experience the pain of it?

[22:27]

And let it keep flowing and see in that, having that our main intention in that is to, what is this? What is this? Not as something that we're going to get the idea of, but as something that we are actually living and manifesting. This particular karma is something that I am becoming. with the help of all of you, in this lifetime, for each of us. This person, this person, this person is becoming itself in this lifetime with the help of all these Buddhas, all these myriad things that actualize us moment after moment. And the way that The best way, the easiest way, maybe the only way that we can know what is that.

[23:36]

What is this life? What is to be there with it as it happens in the one that's available to us? And we have so many layers of should be like this. Shouldn't be like that. Should be like that. It keeps us from the actual life. that we have to study where we can see what is life? What is the universe? What happens here? We have to get through those layers somehow to what it actually is if we want to know it, to be able to rest with it, to be able to be free in it. So that's the work that we're doing here. And again, I think whether people come... If people come for a while and will come to actually do the program, they think about it beforehand, and each of you have some way of articulating what that is, and you come with some intention to do it, and it might be able to be...

[24:48]

usefully rearranged your words or something about it. But even if you've only come for a few days and you think, I'm just going there because the food's good and there's the hot baths and they let me do this work I like to do or something like that. Even if there were anybody here who thought that, still I think something about being here, being... The settledness of it, the openness of it brings us to, oh, there's a life here. There's a life here that I'm connected to. I'm deeply connected to. How can I be more connected to it? Or whether the question arises or not, maybe the more connected to it-ness happens. Do you have anything you'd like to add, ask, anything like that?

[25:50]

I'll give you a moment. Yes. So what can we do to be more able to be open to what happens, especially maybe if it's something we don't want? Well, I'd say one of the first things is to notice when you don't want it and how that is. Because usually if something happens that we don't want, it's very often familiar to us in some way. Like there's something about it that's familiar to us, and the reaction to it is very habitual.

[27:03]

Like it happens quickly, and each of us have a kind of limited repertoire of what we do. So it might be different than somebody else's, but some of us run and hide. Some of us get big and mad. Some of us start talking and say, really, wonderful things or long things, and some of us smile and get really nice, all in response to something we don't like. So we have our particular way. So if we start to notice, oh, that was uncomfortable for me or that was horrible for me or whatever, and then even if we don't notice it until afterwards, and then we notice, oh, I did that again. You know, I blew up. Well, what was it? What happened? And I would be careful when you're doing that not to focus too much on the external because that's what we do.

[28:09]

We say, that person did this, you know, and they're wrong. But the internal is what we actually need to get past or get comfortable with if we want to stay there. So to try to... either in the situation if you can, or take a little space from it and try to notice what happened internally. Where's the tightening? Where's the... What's what? Not meaning you have to put it into words, but you might. Is the feeling that I don't want to have. Because I think most of the time... I mean, there are times when it's appropriate to run as fast as you can. But there's a lot of times when... That's not really necessary or appropriatory. So most of the time, the thing that is the hardest for us in those situations is just how I'm feeling. I just don't want to feel that way.

[29:10]

So it's not really, I mean, it's not a small deal. It is kind of a big deal. And sometimes we even feel like if I feel that way, it's going to kill me. We feel that. But most of the time, our feelings won't kill us. Never. So just to start noticing that, to start noticing what, okay, I didn't like that. What was it? And then as you do that, you kind of move closer and closer so that at some point you'll actually be able to feel it. And then that's it. Feel it. Just feel it. And if we feel it, then something in us notices I didn't die. Actually, I can have this feeling, and it won't be the end of me. I won't fall into it and drown. And then there's a lot more freedom. It's like you can actually stay there for it.

[30:11]

And if we notice that, then there can actually be some curiosity about what is it. It might still be unpleasant, but, oh, okay, it's still coming up, but what is it for me? Again, not as a kind of psychologically, what is it? Or what is the story behind it? How did I, when did I first have this feeling? Which is, it's not a bad thing. I mean, our mind really likes that. Sometimes you feel it and it's like, oh, I remember when that happened and why I hate that feeling so much. It was because this happened. And that's, our mind really likes that. But that's not, I don't think that's the necessary thing for freedom from it. like to to actually be able to have it does that make sense thank you very much yes yes it seems as though we spend a lot of time practicing honesty with self you know try to interpret the world and how we perceive it i've always torn in how to deal with that expression of honesty with others if it's as we're speaking of being uncomfortable

[31:26]

Is there a place to have that expression, or is it more of the teaching of Buddha to figure out internally what the issue is, rather than trying to express honesty to another individual? I don't want to do that instinctually, because the hope that we're going to impart some new information that may make them different, which satisfies us. Well, it certainly... It's possible to do it with that, and that's probably not the most effective way to do it. But thank you for bringing that up. It certainly is part of our practice to do this with others. That's, in fact, only a Buddha and a Buddha together, you know, together with the Buddha. And here at Tassajara, we're really encouraged to, if a difficult thing happens, to... Try to talk to the other person about it. Now, what the timing of that is might vary. Like if it seems like a pre-charged thing, it might be very useful to spend some time with yourself about it first and trying to see what's happening for me.

[32:37]

Why is this such a big thing for me? Or to go to a practice leader or friend and... If you go to a friend, try to go to a friend who will help you look at what's happening for you, not just join with you and how bad the other person is. And then the wonderful thing is, if you can sit down and talk with that person about it, is what actually happens. Sometimes the most surprising things come up where I think this happened and this happened. They're like, whoa, that isn't what I thought happened at all. And to hear that the other person had a really different experience can sometimes be quite amazing. Or sometimes they have the same mirrored experience. Anyway, it's a wonderful practice. I thoroughly recommend it. And it's a little tricky, right? It's a little... can feel a little dangerous and sometimes can be a little dangerous if we go into it wanting to change the other person.

[33:39]

They don't usually respond so well to that. Or with... certainty that our story about what happened is true to everybody it's better to go with some curiosity about what's happening what's happening what's happening with them but also what's happening with me and it's tempting for us if we I mean sometimes it's just like I have to talk to them because I can't stand it or it just comes out of our mouth but If we have some space, sometimes it's very tempting to wait until I really know what was happening, to be in a very safe position, what feels like a safe position. But really, you know, there isn't any safe position. This is where we are very close to each other. We are actualizing each other. It's changing. There isn't a safe position to be in. It's okay to make it as safe as you can for you.

[34:43]

Like if it feels safer to have another person there, that's another possibility is to say, I'd like to talk with you or to say to the practice leader, I'd like to talk to this person, but I really want somebody else there. And then we can whip that out. But it's a really beneficial practice. Thank you. Yes. Yes. Or isn't it codependency? Yes. Yes. Yes, I guess that was what he was doing.

[35:50]

Okay, let me say something about it. I think if I just get upset every time my daughters get upset, yes, that is both a hindrance and codependency. And I do need to give them space to be upset. in their own life. And again, even if I am upset when they are upset, the place I have to look for it is over here because over here is my upset. So if I'm looking at their upset, it's not really going to help. I mean, I can listen to them. I can empathize with my children or your friends or whoever, but the place to look for the upset is over here. That's the one that is hard to live with. You know, Buddha lived in a different time and place. And in that time, his way anyway was to leave his family.

[36:59]

I think most of us aren't doing that. Maybe a few people are. I think that it is possible for freedom to happen and still have our... impactful connections. And it may be that it's hard in some ways, but I think it's truer. You know, if we go away, I don't know truer than the Buddha. I'm not really trying to argue with how Buddha did it, but for most of us, I don't think that going away, isolating ourselves from the people that have an impact on us will get us to true freedom. It might get us to where we are avoiding some feelings and avoiding some difficulty. But I think to have a full life, we actually need to have those connections and have the impact that they have and be able to stay there with it.

[38:00]

what I think. I think we need to stop. So thank you all very much.

[38:28]

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