This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning. So, just in case you haven't noticed, sashim is not easy. And it's not intended to be easy. Even though Nansen had wonderful things to say to Joshu about endeavoring on the way, Joshu's phrase echoes to this very day, how will I know if I don't try?

[01:01]

If I don't strive, if I don't resist, if I don't hold back, if I don't push too hard, that's how I know how to make contact with what is. Isn't this about making contact with what is? Yeah. So we do it the way we know how to do it. we get to taste and feel the consequences of such a way. And then we breathe out and breathe in another creation and see what happens this time. We know all the sages have said, it's not a great struggle.

[02:20]

It's not the product of striving and mastery. It's just opening the hand and receiving the gift that's already here. Does anybody discover that, realize that? going at it the way they go at their life the sheen is designed is intended to hold us to the spot here and now give us the freedom to do that exactly the way we do it. And of course, it doesn't feel like freedom.

[03:26]

We're being held to the spot. We're being asked to follow a schedule. We're being asked to chant when it's chanting time and eat when it's eating time. Something is worked through, worked over, forged in a fire. And that something is me. And the determined efforts of me. And as we give over to what's being asked, something is received. We give everything we've got, and then we give some more.

[04:32]

Or maybe that's just a wonderful ideal. Maybe we never, ever, ever give everything to God. a totally scary thought. Maybe sometime you were just tricked in a moment of forgetfulness. A little bug. See a little bug and forget ourselves. consider it a mere distraction rather than the center of that momentary creation. So this process happens.

[05:48]

and something in us discovers, what is it to be the moment? What is it to be each activity? We discover that Zen practice has more to do with energy than it does with ideas. It has more to do with meeting the moment giving over to what's happening than it does to some wonderful conclusion about just that. Our body remembers how to practice. Like our heart never forgets how to beat.

[06:59]

Our body, our breath learn to remember what they've always known. Dugan Zenji calls this Jiji Yuzamai. self-employing and enjoying moment after moment contact. And I'm going to come to that, the circuitous route, starting with a joke. Some of you may have heard me say this joke before, but I think it applies. This guy's traveling in the wilds of Ireland. And he's getting totally lost in these little country roads.

[08:10]

Doesn't have a clue where he is. And he's trying to get to Dublin. And then he runs into a farmer. And he stops and he says, could you tell me how to get to Dublin? The farmer says, sure. Sure. He says, well, you could. No, no, that wouldn't. Well, you could. Mm. Mm. Mm. Thinks about it some more and says, you know, if I was going to Dublin, I wouldn't start from here. You know, sometimes if If I was going to totally be in the moment, I wouldn't start with this body and this mind. I'd start with a much better body, one that's more relaxed, energized, comfortable in itself. As for this mind, well, that would tick all day.

[09:11]

I'd start with a serene mind, a mind that was just saturated with dedication and devotion to practice. concentrate in a flicker of a second. No, I wouldn't start from here. So, remember what? I have to trust what's been given to me if I'm going to trust anything. I have to trust what's been given to me if I'm going to trust anything. It led the stars over the shadowless mountain. What does it not remember about night and silence? We are the body that we call me.

[10:20]

We are the mind that we call me. Zazen is to be that body, to be that mind, to trust it. To somehow discover in the midst of the hesitation, the holding back, the resisting, the yearning for it to be different, It is exactly where life is happening. It is exactly what is happening. To soften release into just this. Not because it matches

[11:22]

some ideal form because it is what is that like Joshu we obliged to ask the question but how will I know if I don't try how will I discover how to trust if I don't meet the pain and suffering of limitation if I don't meet this mind that in a flash creates an idea in relationship to the experience and then creates a response to the idea How will I know how to trust if I don't explore that process breath after breath?

[12:31]

If I don't let myself realize, realize that the stories are endless and they always lead somewhere else. until they're seen for what they are. Just the arising of the moment. That something can turn. That the very arising can be a way to contact here. The self can be employed. The arising self can be trusted. Not trusted in terms of the ideas that arise in my head or the reality or the truth.

[13:40]

No, there are this marvelous manifestation of what you are in this moment. to keep returning to that koan. How do you trust something that continually misses the mark? It only misses the mark because it's grasped and clung to. just in itself. Well, here's what Marilyn has to say about it. I must be led by what has been given to me, as streams are led by it, as braiding flights of birds, as the groping veins, the learning of plants, the thankful days, breath by breath.

[15:04]

I call it nameless, invisible, untouchable, free. I am nameless. I am undivided. I am invisible. I am untouchable and empty. Nomad, live with me. Be my eyes, my tongue, my hands, my sleep, my rising, out of the chaos. Come and be given. Come and be given. We give our breath. kind of silly endeavor.

[16:09]

And in the thunderous silence that follows something comes to life. We experience the consequence of giving over in the process of giving over in the process of wholehearted engagement we don't have the time or the space to ask and how do you do this just right and what's the point and is this going to meet my agendas and resolve my dilemmas And without those reassurances, how can we commit?

[17:19]

In that committing, what is it we're trusting? What is it we're trusting, entrusting with our one precious life? I have to trust what was given to me if I'm to trust anything. Tashin is the practice of trusting what arises in the moment, of giving over to what arises in the moment. We can say all sorts of things about it. Quote, all sorts of wonderful sages.

[18:24]

Something in the doing. In the practicing, it's actualized. Something in the doing expresses the nature of existence. Something in the experiencing makes evident the nature of what is. So even though it's our human nature to be purposeful, intentional, to frame things in the context of me the request of practice is to go beyond.

[19:40]

And in Sashin, we get to study that. close and intimate. We get to study the many dimensions and factors of our human life that initiate contact. When our mind is racing, filled with a very convinced that solid story, we note it. When we're settled deep in Zazen, we open up more fully to the very pain in our body that something in us is saying, stop.

[21:01]

No. We explore yes. We explore trust. We explore seeing what attributes have been added to that sensation that initiate contraction. And what is the yes? What is the trust? allows what's been added to fall away. You know, in some ways, it doesn't matter where or how or what you're adding to your experience. What matters is, are you turning towards it?

[22:08]

Are you meeting it? Are you experiencing it? Or are you moving away? Are you still allowing distraction, hesitation? Some of the many myriad workings of our being to shift away. from just this to turn towards to turn towards to turn towards what can we trust except what we've been given and then to see within that the yoga of connecting

[23:10]

To keep exploring within the body that way of physical being that enables, that supports connection to our physicality. To explore as we sit throughout the day. to explore the early morning body, the early morning mind. Maybe it has some residual aches from yesterday's extravaganza. Maybe the mind you're getting a little sleep.

[24:12]

There's a little more to say for itself, a little more coherent. A blessing and a curse. Oh yes, Zazen, I know how to do that. Do I want to do that? Well, that's another question. And as the day unfolds and the body unfolds and the mind unfolds until we culminate in the evening body infused with the energy of a day sitting. And I no longer so substantial, but in a strange and interesting way, more alive.

[25:20]

In the mind, now no longer so lucid and determined, but in an interesting way, with the presence. Maybe quiet, maybe not. So we learn to discover and experience and explore the territory of presence. And we learn to hold up in relationship to it so-called my life. which at other times has been so passionately compelling. This life that in the midday we can toss into khan zayang,

[26:42]

Let it become part of all life. And receive back the gift, as Merwin says. That which we can trust our one precious life to. So I would encourage you as best you can in our remaining time. Are we talking about two days or the rest of this human life? In our remaining time to study

[27:50]

to notice. Because the fruits of our efforts are that whether we realize it or not, our perceptiveness, our capacity for awareness, our connection to momentary existence has been enhanced. And as I said before, maybe right along with that, all the wonderful dragons and demons that you keep in your closets have come out to play and are expressing themselves in an enhanced fashion. To take refuge in now, to return to now, to trust now,

[28:52]

And when those moments of connection happen, those moments of experience that initiate a knowing beyond ideas, to discover, to remember what it is we can deeply trust. to remember what is it to give over? What is it to fulfill some existential hope to be fully alive? These are the subtle workings that we can now explore.

[30:05]

And the basic practice doesn't change. What's happening now? Each of us has our own response. What's happening now and what is it to practice with it? Now that question, now that request can become more relevant, more appealing, that we can be more capable of responding to than when We're more distracted, preoccupied. And even though, for the large part, we're obliged to repeat Joshua's question, well, what do I do if I don't strive?

[31:18]

What will I do if I don't do things the way I know to do things? Let that very doing become an illustration. Employ it. Let that very doing illustrate something and strangely, paradoxically, find within it its own beauty. self-employing and enjoying. To enjoy, to join with, to experience, to let the innate virya of the moment, the innate energy of the moment be released.

[32:32]

Study those moments of physical discomfort when the breath softens the contraction, and there's a pulse of release, a pulse of energy. Study those moments and study carefully how that happens. What is that? What does it create? What are the subtle factors of contraction that inhibit it? And what is that subtle process of engaging that enables it? These are the yogic particulars. Of course we know, as the sages have told us, there's nothing to gain.

[33:40]

and no one to gain it. Of course we know that the human condition cannot be remedied. But in each moment, something practiced, something actualized. In each moment, something experienced, something realized this is Dogen Zenji's Gigi Yuzamai this is Nangaku's Gigi Yuzamai this is Master Ma's Gigi Yuzamai And whether we like it or not, it's ours.

[34:59]

It's our challenge. Whether you're firmly of a mind that if you were going to Dublin you wouldn't start from here, this is where you are. The advice I would offer is now that the sheen has given you a good hiding, I sometimes think it's like, you know, it takes you by the scruff of the neck and shakes you like a rag doll. Just think of it more like a massage. Oh, I'm a little looser. Okay, yeah. It was a kind of excruciating period of Sazen. Yeah.

[36:07]

That mental torment I just put myself through, well, that was something too. That was a good workout. We're still here. We're still alive. And now we have this wonderful opportunity. And if you think about it, Shashin officially ended yesterday. This is like, you know, when you buy an extra large bottle of Coke and you get 20% extra for free. You know, this is your 20% free. Math almost worked on that. We've been worked over.

[37:16]

We've been tenderized. We've been offered this amazing gift, this opportunity to look at what goes on for me. And I would say, look at it in all the ways it appears. If resentment arises, look at resentment. If deep gratitude arises, look at deep gratitude. If agitation arises, so. If deep sense of ease, standing waiting for work meeting in the sun, a feeling that this is exactly and completely

[38:24]

What is? Soak it up. Enjoy it. Be saturated in it. As if it were a gift. As if you could trust your life to it. Forget the difficulties. the hardships, the subtleties of how do you trust your life to constantly missing the mark. Sometimes the mark is as wide as the ocean. Colvin Chino Rocio is its esalen with a master archer. and the master archer, they were doing a workshop together, took an arrow and hit the bullseye right in the middle.

[39:34]

Then he handed the bow to Coburn and said, you go. Coburn took an arrow, turned out towards the ocean, fired the arrow into the ocean, turned to the archer and said, bullseye. Sometimes as wide as the ocean. Sometimes smaller than the head of a pin. But don't doubt that Sashin has been giving you a going over. And there's a little left to it. But so what?

[40:39]

You've never suffered in your life before? Hmm. Once when I was leading a sashim, someone came who led what we would call a colorful life, which included several stints in prison for heroin addiction. And he was sitting Shishin, and he came to Dokusan. And he was casual, relaxed, at ease. I thought, huh, this guy hasn't said that much, but he's like, look at him. And I said, aren't you suffering? He said, oh yeah. He says, but considering the suffering I've had in the past, This is not so bad. We've all suffered.

[41:44]

Now we have two days to look deeply at the nature of how we put together the world. We had two days to look deeply at how we respond to how we put together the world. What a gift. The marvelous thing, if there can be such a thing as a marvelous thing about suffering, but one marvelous thing is when it stops. The other marvelous thing is you're not so afraid that something terrible is going to happen, you know, because a lot of it already has.

[42:53]

about this person who was a heroin addict, you know? He had all sorts of stories about, and just the half of them were hair-raising in their difficulty and pain. But we don't have to be so afraid we're going to suffer. About what Sasheen is going to do to us next. We don't have to cling determinedly to the new normal. We can explore. What would it be like to just keep letting it change? Let it move, whatever way it moves.

[43:55]

What would it be like to be late morning body mind? Early afternoon body mind? Evening body mind? Night time body mind? What would it be like to just recklessly keep giving over to whatever appears next. You know, this is the marvelous thing about chanting Kansayan. You know, we could say all sorts of clever things about how it helps you breathe from your abdomen, develops your aura, you know, influences your energy while you sit. Giving over. Dhanaparamita.

[45:02]

Discovering that the gift is received as the consequence. And even more intimate that, as Dogen Senji would say, the gift is received in the giving. Opening and receiving is met with giving attention, giving connection. So I would say strangely enjoy. Enjoy the particulars.

[46:09]

Here's an image I use sometimes. You might find this rather bizarre. It's like, imagine what it's like when you're going to be executed and you're on that last walk from your cell to the execution. It occurs to me sometimes, that must be quite extraordinary. Just enjoying each simple detail of walking. Okay, that's too dark. I can't leave you with that image.

[47:19]

I know Sasheen's bad, but it's not that bad. To enjoy. Not to become complacent. to fritter away the moments thinking, oh, thank goodness, this will soon be done. No, it won't. This is your life. This is the same existential dynamic. This is the same mental and physical process that goes on in your life every day and will every day in your life. What we resolve here supports every day of our life, supports every person we meet, supports our relationships, supports the world.

[48:30]

To shrink it down to two days that we can wrap an idea around that we can hold back in anticipation. Now that's suffering. And in conclusion, just in case you were worried I was going to launch off into something else. I had a flashback to Category Roshi. This is exactly what he'd do. He would talk, and after about an hour and a half, you'd think, okay, great. You can close now. And then he'd just keep going on. The gift.

[49:42]

I have to trust what's been given to me if I am to trust anything. It led the stars over the shadowless mountain. What does it remember of the night and silence? I must be led by what has been given to me, as streams are led by it, as braiding flights of birds. as groping veins, the learning of plants, the thankful days, breath by breath. I call it nameless, invisible, untouchable, free. I'm nameless, undivided, invisible, untouchable, and empty. Nomad, live with me. Be my eyes, my tongue, my hands, my sleep, my rising.

[50:49]

Out of chaos, come and be given. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma Talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit SSCC.org and click Giving.

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