This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Morning. Welcome to Green Gulch. Very nice to see you all here on a beautiful day. Sort of a miracle that Anybody came today to sit inside a barn, to brave the traffic and the windy road, and then be deposited here in the maze of Green Goal Farm and attempt to arrive at the Zendo here, only to find yourself in an obstacle course of doors and boughs and... us, appointing you in all kinds of different ways.

[01:07]

So I hope you all feel very welcome. That's my deep hope, is that we somehow are able in this temple barn here to maintain this old tradition that to many of us is very dear, these old forms of monastic practice, while at the same time opening the doors and having everyone with an interest, with a mind that seeks the way to be able to flow through here. But it's kind of a thin edge to walk, how to preserve this tradition and also be totally welcoming. So anyway, that's on my mind this morning, and I hope you all feel that we really want you here. And it's not a maze on purpose. It just... happens to be a maze. So my name is Jiryu and I live here.

[02:14]

Today, part of my mind, part of my heart is down the road at San Francisco Zen Center, where right now, A funeral is underway for our dearly departed abbess, Blanche Hartman, who really embodied this love, really deep love for everybody, and a really open and welcoming heart for anybody, a stranger or crusty old Zen person. She had time. I have some time for you." And she expressed in her life this really profound love for zazen, too.

[03:17]

She would often teach that it would be worthwhile to just waste your life in zazen. And the zazen she taught was the zazen that sits itself. Don't bother sitting zazen. Let zazen do zazen. So I am aware of that ceremony and aware of Blanche's spirit here in our practice and also aware that a lot of these people around here seem to be dying. For those of you who have been related to this community for... For a time, I know that in the last few years, we've lost a lot of really dear old teachers from, think of Darlene Cohn and Catherine Dannis, and Lou Hartman, Steve Stuckey, Taigon Luke, and now Blanche, these old, lovely teachers who've brought so much into our practice.

[04:21]

So I'm feeling that loss. And I'm feeling, too, that closeness to death which is a recommended feeling in Buddhism, to not be a stranger to death. Norman Fisher calls it uncle death. Keep it close, you know. Not too close, but an uncle. And when we keep death close, we ask ourselves quite naturally the question, how should I live? This was a question Blanche actually asked. How should I live? How would I live if I were close to death, if I felt the closeness of death? Like right now, how would I live? What would I do with this body, with my mind and with my heart?

[05:26]

How would that closeness change my quality of life, my presence right here? So it could be that some of you are really intimate with this feeling. For me, I feel it as a kind of, I can do a sort of mental exercise of imagining a closeness to death, and it's useful. But I don't really know what that is, what that would feel like. My sense, though, is that it would inspire a kind of carefulness. I feel like I'd be a little less careless. And I would have some sense of the gravity or the consequence or the kind of weight of what I did, my actions. Like that even the little things might feel like they matter, you know, or worth living in some kind of clear way. I'm very happy to see some non-adults here.

[06:45]

It really makes my day. Because if you've noticed, there's a lot of adults in this place, and it gets kind of stuffy, full of adults. So thank you for being here. This is a talk mostly for adults today, and I know it's a beautiful and sunny day out, so you're welcome to come and go as you'd like. But thanks for coming, being here. we play with our giant dolls here. So what I want to really talk about today, what it's really coming down to for me these days is this question, this invitation to myself to ask how would I live, how to live as though each moment really mattered. Each moment mattered.

[07:46]

How to live as though my actions were of consequence. How would I live if I thought that my actions actually had mattered? I think that, for the most part, I have the sense that my thoughts and my words and my actions just sort of evaporate, you know? Especially if no one's around, I mean, come on, they just disappear. It doesn't matter. It's not of consequence. So what would it be to live as though it wasn't that way, as though my actions and my words and my thoughts didn't just disappear, but were somehow permanently engraved into the fabric of the world, you know? They lingered permanently. if it actually, everything I did made a deep imprint on the world, even transformed the world. Each of my actions was completely transforming the world in every moment.

[08:48]

How would I regard this breath now, you know? What would I say? Or what would I hear? how would I sit here listening if it mattered how I sat here listening or speaking? It's occurred to me that an immature person, the definition of an immature person is someone who doesn't get that what they do matters. Do you remember? It was sort of nice until a rude awakening, I think, that many of us have had. maybe a friend or a parent or just reality itself, saying, excuse me, that registered, that action did not evaporate, that word did not evaporate. Things have consequence, things matter. There's this sort of timeless adolescent cry, right, that it's my life.

[10:00]

I'm the only one affected by my choices. This is like the definition of... adolescence of immaturity. Maybe it just affects me, maybe it just affects me and my friend. Certainly doesn't reform the entire cosmos. So we've all come face to face in some ways with this truth that our actions matter, or at least that some of our actions seem to matter to some people. And so I think maybe that's what a mature person is. Maybe a mature person is just someone who knows and then acts as though what they do and say and even think matter. I think that might be a good definition of maturity. And if so, then I wonder about the Buddha.

[11:06]

this most mature of all beings. My feeling is that we could describe the Buddha as someone who knows more than any of us could possibly imagine how much every tiny action of every single one of us matters. This is what the Buddha sees, according to the Buddhist tradition. What the Buddha understands is how pivotal each tiny thing is in the web of all existence. Buddha understands that every tiny gesture forms the world in a way that we ordinary people in our immaturity really miss. You know, we tend to see that there are some big things that matter and then there's a lot of little things that kind of don't matter. I don't think the Buddha sees it that way.

[12:08]

I think what the Buddha sees, according to the Buddhist tradition, is that nothing is apart from the whole. There's nothing that can stand outside of the network, the web of causes and conditions. that are the world. Nothing can stand outside of that and not have an impact. Where would you go to not have an impact? There is no place, according to the Buddha. There is no place you can go. There is no smallness you can make yourself such that you won't have an impact. We can't be apart. We are completely connected. Every detail is depends on every other detail, and every detail gives rise to every other detail.

[13:22]

The most basic way that the Buddha teaches this is to say that when there's this, there's that. This is the basic teaching about how the world works, is that when there's one thing, there's something else, and there's nothing that stands out of that. Because of this, not really nothing. No big deal. Whatever. That there's no such action. There's no such moment. There's no such thing. There's nothing inconsequential. In each moment, I think it's useful to imagine in each moment the world sort of dissolving away, the world falling away, and then being reformed. around the shape of each action of each person in every moment, if that makes sense. The world sort of vanishes and then comes back into being based completely on what we do, on the actions of each of us and the whole.

[14:38]

So this vision that I think a Buddha sees, which is that what we do literally forms the next moment. It forms the world of the next moment that we all then have to live in. I feel like the world is just out there doing its thing, and then I can impact it or not. But if I was actually responsible for the formation of the world in each moment, you know, I might want to have some say in the kind of world I live in. in the house I'm building here. So in this model where each thing totally creates each everything, every single thing depends on everything and every single thing gives life to everything else. There's nothing that's apart from this. There's nothing that's inessential. And this is permanent. The world is changed and the world that then arises out of this activity

[15:46]

begets the next world, right? The next moment. The result of this action does not go away. It doesn't disintegrate or evaporate. But it's carried forever, you know, as a forming piece of the world. So this... living with the awareness or the faith, maybe, that each thing we do, no matter how large or how small, totally shapes the world, totally is forming the world around us, we can also see that it's shaping our inner world, too. So it's not just that my actions are creating the world that all of you have to live in, but that it's also creating, it's having some internal effects, too. The most basic way that Buddhism talks about this is that when I... This is a surprisingly straightforward teaching in Buddhism that surprised me a little bit sometimes.

[17:01]

When I do something good, there's pleasure. Think of the goal of Buddhism as pleasure. There's this basic teaching in Buddhism that good action leads to pleasure. And that action that's motivated by greed or hatred or confusion leads to discomfort and displeasure. So there, my actions internally, my state of comfort or discomfort is a direct result of my action in each moment. So I've been exploring that, you know, what if that were true? What if it actually really, really felt better to be kind? Would I try a little harder? if I really felt how uncomfortable it is to be unkind. Would I try a little harder? Even in these kind of throwaway moments, you know? Come on, it doesn't matter.

[18:02]

I'm yelling at the guy from my car, you know, he's not gonna... That doesn't register in the world. Nobody heard that. But now my state is... one of displeasure and discomfort. So creating the world, each tiny action of body or speech or even mind creates the world that you guys get to live in and it creates the world that I live in. And maybe most importantly, for me at least, right now how I'm thinking about this, is that it also sets the tone, lays the ground for what I'm going to do next. it makes a habit. There's nothing we do, there's nothing we can do that doesn't start the habit. So this is another aspect of the Buddha's teaching about how everything matters inwardly.

[19:06]

Every time I do something, it's becoming more likely that I do that thing again. So it does actually register. One of the ways, there's a couple ways this is talked about. One way that I always found really delightful is the way that Reb Anderson, senior Dharma teacher here, has talked about it, which is to think of the mind as a kind of a watershed, a landscape. You know, when we live here in these various kind of tucked away springs and streams in this watershed here of Green Gulch, and to think of our mind as a a kind of watershed or a landscape. And where each drop of water falls, it goes some direction. And whatever direction it goes, it's more likely that the next drop of water is going to go that same direction, right? It's carving these channels. Maybe it's falling into a deep old canyon. Do you have any of those in your mind? You know, the raindrop of conditions.

[20:16]

falls and where does it where does it roll towards you know the canyon of or does it start a new channel some subtle carving there's a possibility there hey that rolled that way this time that is a little it's a little trickle you know it hasn't rained in so long it's hard to picture anymore but you see it on the paths you know So that even right now, and I'm trying to share this stuff, you know, sometimes hard to talk about, but I'm feeling this very palpably these days. You know, what in a moment can I feel that carving of the landscape of my mind? Just right here, sitting here, something is being carved. There's a certain kind of, one sort of habit is being strengthened. And that, however you are right now, it's more likely that the next moment

[21:18]

is going to be that way. We're creating this habit. We're shaping our mind permanently. The more traditional way this is talked about is in terms of seeds in the storehouse consciousness, an image that some of you maybe are familiar with, that basically all of the potential kinds of action that possible of thought, of speech, of mind. All of the possibilities are in all of us in some kind of latent seed form, deep in our unconscious mind. And some of these seeds are stronger than other seeds. And each of these seeds will sprout when the conditions are right, just like any seed. We have some storehouses of seeds. around here on this farm, and when the conditions are right for a seed, then it sprouts.

[22:22]

It's sort of a mix of metaphors, but in this teaching it's said that any action that we do then perfumes these seeds. I don't quite understand the perfuming of a seed, but you sort of get the image. The seed is strengthened or weakened your action lays down seeds and it impacts the seeds that are down there in the alaya vijnana, in the storehouse consciousness. And so each action is feeding some seed or other and there's no action that's not feeding something. So again, yeah. And then our future action is going to come from the blossoming of those seeds. So whatever the metaphor we use, the point I think is clear that each thing we do is registered. It's being noticed.

[23:29]

It's being noticed. It's leaving a deep mark on the world and it's leaving a deep internal mark in terms of our inner state and in terms of our sort of habit body. So there's no such thing as like just this once, you know? Just this once is part of this whole line of thinking that I'm starting to identify of, eh, come on. It doesn't really matter how I walk on this empty path. It doesn't really matter how I grumble in my car at the other drivers. It doesn't really matter if I do this just this once. But there is no just this once, you know, because just this once is a trickle. It's a channel starting. And our habits, you know, it's not like, well, I'm a good person, I just have bad habits. I'm thinking about that one.

[24:40]

I think a lot of us think that, you know. Like it's me, I'm apart from my habits. I'm a little bit separate from my actions. One of the core teachings of the Buddha is that all we have is our actions. All we are is our actions. It's kind of funny to say that it's just a habit, when all we are is a habit. What we take to be ourself is just a misunderstanding of a stream of habit. There's a stream of habit flowing at this location. And we misunderstand that stream of habit to be a self. But really it's just habit. So when I say this creates habit, that's not a small thing. There's nothing else than these habits. So I guess I want to say a little bit about why this teaching is important to me, why I'm turning my mind around and around this question of

[25:54]

Do my actions matter? And what if my actions mattered totally? The most important thing for me in this is that this sort of deep weightiness or consequentialness of my actions isn't just about these big things. And I feel like, maybe especially in our culture, it's kind of like the big Well, it's the big things that matter. It's the big actions, the big accomplishments. I think the top line of your obituary, right? That's what it comes down to. That's the thing that mattered, and then everything else mostly didn't matter. And I'm studying how deeply I seem to believe that. And I'm wondering what happens when I take the view that the tiniest little action is just as vastly important as the greatest accomplishment of my life.

[27:14]

I think part of a consequence of this attitude that it's just the big stuff that matters. Like we have this teaching, this Buddhist teaching of right livelihood, which is a really nice teaching, right livelihood. There's a way that, right livelihood seems like we can check the box if we, like you can get that, you can just do that one, you know? And then that's the big one, like, hey, I've got the right, I've got a livelihood that's not harming. Great. Check. You know, the big picture here is done. I can get life right in the big picture and then not sweat the details on mine. or the ethical precepts in this Zen school are big, you know, they're ten grave precepts. It's not killing and not stealing and not lying and that kind of thing. And it's easy to, you know, when you glance at the list, you feel like, sure, you know, it's been a while since I actively killed something.

[28:19]

So I'm fine, you know, the big brush is fine. We're all pretty much good people, you know. So it's these little in-between moments where I'm kind of resting between like successful moments of not killing. There's like a lot of little tiny moments that I could take as mattering or not so much as mattering. There's this attitude that's related to this that I really notice, which is my feeling that the practice of Buddhism, I guess, practices like mindfulness or loving-kindness or menmitsu, this deep, careful respect for all things, they're sort of optional, you know? Have you noticed that? Like mindfulness or loving-kindness are kind of optional?

[29:20]

Because it's nice when we have time, you know, or it's nice when we can do it, but it's really just for ourselves, you know? It's my life. My mindfulness is just my, like, that's a nice thing I can do for myself. It doesn't really matter. I can choose not to do it. And there's no real impact. Does that make sense of this? I think we talk ourselves out of a lot of practice by this kind of attitude, that it doesn't matter so much. There's not so much at stake in our practice. over the years of practicing with our sangha at San Quentin, part of what I've appreciated in getting to know the men inside who are practicing in that real pressure cooker situation of San Quentin is that they often feel and are intimate with the consequence of practice, the weight of practice, that actually mindfulness is not like optional.

[30:33]

loving kindness isn't optional, you know? And most deeply, it's not really optional for any of us. It doesn't really matter. Right now, it really matters if we're doing that or not. But for most of us, in relative comfort and ease, it doesn't matter so much, you know? We don't feel the impact. But in a real pressure cooker situation, where the consequence of carelessness or hatefulness in a moment can be really immediately and deeply felt, And likewise, the consequence of loving-kindness or attention or positivity can also be deeply felt. There's something very clear about the need for the practice, that something's at stake in the practice. It can be like practicing can be the difference between heaven and hell, actually, or between life and death, quite practically. And I think it's always like that. I think a Buddha sees that it's always like that.

[31:37]

And so I'm trying to deepen that faith in myself. One thing I've noticed is that if I'm angry or judgmental or whatever it is, and I notice it, like, geez, I'm really not being kind. I notice it and then I keep going. I keep not being kind. There's a strange sort of lag time between the actually stopping not being kind and the noticing that I'm not kind. And I think this is part of like, well, yeah, I'm not being kind, but who cares that I'm not being kind, you know?

[32:42]

I think this is deeply related to this point. I think it's deeply related to my own ignorance about that even one moment of unkindness matters, you know? If I really understood how much that mattered, it's not that I would be beating myself up about how I've just been unkind, but just as soon as I see it, it's like, wow, this really is important. I really could stop doing this. That would be... That's hugely consequential for me to stop this right now, you know. Instead of like, yeah, I can grumble and fuss and fume, as Blanche would say. I can fuss and fume a little longer. It doesn't matter. It makes no impact. I think that I can... think I can get the big picture of, like, a pretty good life right without really working on getting the little details of that right.

[33:52]

That I can love, I can have some, like, big love without getting, like, the moment-by-moment tiny love right, you know. It's okay. You love everything. It's okay that you don't, that you're not acting like it. What matters is that you haven't killed anybody, you know. It doesn't matter right now how I'm picking up this fork, you know, or how my foot is resting on the path. What could it matter, you know? My intention, my vow nowadays is to live in the faith that everything I do is inconceivably consequential.

[34:54]

That everything I do, no matter how small, is the difference between war and peace in this world, actually. It's the difference between heaven and hell. Liberation. and suffering. Not that I see that, I don't see that, but I can live in that faith that nothing is inconsequential, that no moment is insignificant. And I don't mean like, wow, do I wear the red socks or the blue socks? There may be some confusion. possible here that, wow, what I do really matter is like, oh my God, the whole world depends on whether I choose the Red Sox or the Blue Sox. It's more that I live a life based in love and am clear about the need for that and strict with myself about that, even in the tiniest, most solitary place.

[36:03]

It's noticed. Everything I do and think, every emotion I feel and feed is registered, transforms the whole cosmos. So please, if you'd like, join me in this practice, even just like right now, for a little insignificant second. What if it mattered? I really don't think it does. I really don't think it matters. I think this is really important medicine to be feeding myself. And I'd like to share it with you in the event that it's useful medicine for you too. This does matter. Nothing matters more. If I can't get this right, I'm not getting any of it right. Again, not in a judgmental sense, but in a motivating sense.

[37:09]

So thank you very much for your patience and your attention this morning. It has mattered in ways that I understand and ways that I don't understand. I'd like to dedicate any good that might somehow come out of this time together this morning. I'd like to dedicate towards repaying the great compassion of our late abbess Blanche Hartman. a person who knew that each action mattered, and who lived a life of deep love and respect for all things, clearly aware that there was nothing inconsequential. There are people, you know, I'm sure today at City Center now saying, once, there was once one word she said, you know, that changed everything. And she knew that, that it mattered. And as always, to dedicate any benefit, any good that comes from our meeting today to the liberation and safety and well-being of all sentient beings.

[38:29]

Thanks very much. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our programs are made possible by the donations we receive. Please help us to continue to realize and actualize the practice of giving by offering your financial support. For more information, visit sfzc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[39:03]

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