Bye. with these words right out there at the Doshi altar.

[12:07]

Jiryu, sometimes it's hard, you said. How we laugh. Today it's hard, Caroline. These months, it's hard. We do not understand that you are gone. We do not understand why You are gone. We do not understand who you were or how it is you came and went so swiftly. I'm sorry to make this all about us, but we are having a hard time without you. Caroline, We understand that what you are is not gone.

[13:08]

We understand that you are with us right here and right now. We understand that from now on our practice every day is right alongside you, is in gratitude to you, is dedicated to you. We have no words to convey our love for you, our respect for you, our incomprehensible grief at your loss, our inconceivable joy at having known and walked with you. We have no words. So now for a while we will chant, And we will ring our bells and pound our drums. We will offer incense, tea, sweet water, light and flame.

[14:16]

We will offer you our tears and laughter. We will offer you our stillness and our ancient dance. We offer all of this to you so you can know for sure. And we can know for sure that even when that day comes, when there is no one left who remembers your name and no one left who remembers our names, still we will be practicing together with you. Do you understand? This is our true relationship right now. Caroline, we offer this ceremony to support your path to Buddhahood for the liberation of all suffering beings. Faith and death commando life, spring, summer, fall, and winter.

[17:13]

A bolted lightning in the empty sky waves disappearing the last oceans. Forty-eight days ago, the death's faithful disciple, so she go home. to the source this karmic lifetime now and For those three bodies, as we come, sky, earth, and ocean, yes, we're here, but it's the single road to peaceful nirvana. Having gathered in your assembly to assist and awaken your spirit, let us recite the names of Buddha.

[18:29]

Satsang with Mooji Buddha near on the cry of my astray of without a future birth of all with us throughout space and time lotus of wondrous karma Mahayama Sutra.

[19:57]

Manjushri Bodhisattva. Great Wisdom. Samantabhadra. Bodhisattva. Great Activity. Mahalukiteshvara. Wisdom beyond wisdom. I mean both.

[21:00]

the presence and compassion of our ancestors in faith that we are Buddha, we practice Buddha's ways. O Soshe Govan Caroline Meister, we now once more offer you the pure practice of confession in order that you may be fully awakened in the practice of Buddha's precepts and continue to enact and fulfill them for all beings in whatever realms you find yourself. We have a way of confession transmitted from Buddha through the ancestors to me. I will now recite it for you. All your ancient births did parma. From beginning was created and delusions. Born through my life.

[22:00]

speech, and mind, you now have to be alone. All your ancient religious karma, from beginningless faith and delusions, born through body, speech, and mind, you now have to be alone. For through body, speech and mind, you now have to live. gone beyond the karma of body, speech, and mind and have completed the pure practice of confession.

[23:09]

You have been freed from greed, hate, and delusion. Mind and body are purified.

[26:03]

Now, Soshigohan, you may receive the path of the precepts of the three treasures. Thus, you are seated with Buddha and are really Buddha's child. You take refuge in Buddha. You take refuge. You take refuge in Sangha. You take refuge in Buddha as the perfect teacher. You take refuge in Dharma as the perfect teaching. You take refuge in Sangha as the perfect life. Now you have completely Now you have completely taken refuge from Dharma.

[27:12]

Now you have completely taken refuge from Dharma. You have returned to your original nature, free from attachments and limited ways. Now you will receive the three pure precepts. You vow to embrace and sustain right under. You vow to embrace and sustain all good. You vow to embrace and sustain all pain. Now you will receive the ten great precepts. The disciple of Buddha does not kill. The disciple of Buddha does not take what is not given.

[28:13]

The disciple of Buddha does not misuse sexuality. The disciple of Buddha does not lie. The disciple of Buddha does not intoxicate mind or body of self or others. A disciple of the God does not slander. A disciple of the God does not praise self at the expense of others. A disciple of the God is not possessive of anything. A disciple of the God does not harbor ill will. A disciple of the God does not discourage the three treasures. You have once more received Buddha's precepts and are a child of Buddha. You are the working basis of the Buddha way, the ground for the arising of the mind of awakening.

[29:23]

The four elements returned to their natures just as a child turned to its mother. of us here today could speak many volumes of words of gratitude and appreciation for Caroline.

[38:54]

But today we have asked just a few to speak on behalf of all of us. The rest of us, let's please continue to share our stories and our love for Caroline with one another later today and for the rest of our days. Thank you, Caroline, for your presence here today, for bringing us together to celebrate life, your life, and to mourn your passion.

[40:05]

You are such a warm, lovely, curious, smart, talented, artistic, and open woman being, and strong too. It might be me to work with you. We cared for the land here together. With others. And you cared about every single land. But also, you didn't mind calling them. You'd poison open your apple and don't dress up and... bakery, dance, and desserts. Some of you know what this is about. And then you left Brutasahara, and I finally went down there, and there you were, sort of taking care of the garden, but also being sheikah.

[41:11]

How did you do that all? But you made me feel so welcome, and you made other guests there feel so welcome. You took on your roles with such beautiful grace. And thank you for allowing other people to open their hearts to you. I never knew what was really going on in a lot of relationships around me, but I felt your openness and your willingness to hear and to listen. It was so beautiful. And then one day, you decided to take a walk. And you walked to a place that I love. And it just didn't end the way we would have liked. But you are just exactly what you like. And thank you, Caroline. Thank you so much. Dear Caroline, I'm writing this letter to you six weeks after your trial of death.

[42:46]

I'm reading it at your funeral service being held at Green Garden Temple, your first home when you first saw refuge. I think you'd be surprised, maybe a little bit embarrassed that there are a hundred people here and also many others online mourning your death and celebrating their life. You never seem to like a spotlight, and ironically, your demure, caring, and kind ways attracted people to you like hummingbirds to sage. Disbelief, anger, and sorrow, these are the three emotions that arise when memories of you flow through my mind. Disbelief still stings me when I remember that you're no longer here, that you're no longer walking among us, and shining your smile on each one of us. How did a simple hike in the serene beauty of the Ventana wilderness lead to your death? And then there's the anger, hiding like a demon behind my heart.

[43:51]

Why you? Why now? It's so unbelievably unfair that you're dead. And I can't even blame anyone or anything for your death. Is the waterfall responsible because you sought solace in the earth's venturizing rush? Or those teal rubber boots you wore responsible for your fall. Maybe if we didn't have a day off on that Monday at Tassajara, maybe you'd still be alive. And instead of me being here, we'd be there, strolling along the path, bowing to each other and laughing at something silly. And then there's the sorrow. It's impossible for memories of your beautiful face, uplifting presence and generous spirit. not to arise as I attend to the daily activities of life at Tassajara. And when these memories arise, sorrow shake my heart like a shadow covering the sun flower. Caroline, I'll close this letter with one of my favorite quotes of Suzuki Roshi.

[44:57]

Wherever you are, you are one with the clouds and one with the sun and the stars you see. You are one with everything. That is more true than I can say and more true than you can hear. Now this quote will only remind me of you, Carolyn, for truly wherever you are, you are one with the clouds, the sun, and the stars. You are one with us, and we are one with you. Your spirit will live forever like a flower in our hearts. My name is Midori, and I'm a good friend of Gerard's.

[46:05]

There's just so much I could say, and I'm really trying to explain myself, but see how it goes. Erin was one of three girls I was randomly assigned to the freshman year of college. I remember early on in the year being in the dorm room and Karen turned to me and said, Midori, sometimes I feel like you don't like me. And I remember being so shocked. But by the end of that year, she was like, like a perfect quintessential Caroline story to capture, you know, who we were during that time. And it has eluded me. So I am offering a small handful of kind of just disjointed facts.

[47:16]

Many, many things left out. I don't even exactly feel necessarily like in the matter of Caroline, but they're just like... THIS ROOM THAT WAS NOT ACTUALLY A DOOR ROOM. IT WAS LIKE A CONVERTED Lounge. IT WAS JUST LIKE A BIG ROOM. THEY SHUT A BUNCH OF SOME FURNITURE IN. um i feel like there are a lot of things like that just like

[48:32]

that i've just never thought to do by caroline um yeah she's kind of like over on that for me in a lot of ways um That's where people are. And from Jordan Lyra. It was really meaningful to hear.

[49:51]

And because of her title, really in the garden, she was really inspired to Slug tattoos. So like one. And so it's like a stick and poke slug tattoos. And it was really poorly done. And it was just like a year, probably more off. Like I would never do that. Like I really felt it until even then. And I was like, we've got our first time at the RCT. And like not really into like waste management. Like that's important. I was like, this really amazing summer where they were living in it.

[50:56]

Ovalon College is located in Ovalon, Ohio. It's just like this really rural town. It's small. There's not a lot going on. And so, you know, we're just like on campus and live a lot. And then on the summer, like, you know, so then you're really just living in a small town. It's beautiful. Midwestern summer. So we lived in this house where, like, the rent was, like, $200, maybe $250. Yeah, I just, like, didn't believe that. And we had no Wi-Fi and no smart phone. And it's just, I think back, and I'm like, it's unlawful to me to, like, live that way. But, you know, it was, like, so small. for preparation. We just hung out with each other and rode bikes and sat and talked and watched the fireflies.

[52:14]

Also, I remember freshman year, like, really trying to embrace feminism and, like, making the choice to stop shaving our legs. Probably really for that. I'm trying to, like, loving ourselves and loving our legs. Or it was. Just like, Caroline wasn't... I mean, like, sometimes I shave my legs out. It was so important to us at that time. It felt awkward.

[53:16]

I felt like I was trying to use my words to, like, grab what I was about. You know, like, oh, I'd like to let this in. Yeah, it was just so less unparalleled for us, like, what was possible in the world. This decision, like, actually, I think it's what we need to do. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, it's been funny to be here and hear people talk about, you know, I'm kind of like a rule follower and a robot. When I think about that time, it's like how messy we were, how messy we felt.

[54:24]

We suffered, we struggled doing a classmate on our homework. We were like, how to hurt each other. He really kind of just, he stuck it up. Stuck it up. I just felt apropos, but also, like, so funny and horrible. Danny and I spent a lot of, we were spitting in still water, which is very comfortable, but essentially, like, a dorm room on my first day, and this little room on his twin bed, like, I'm sitting in his twin bed, and she's at her desk. we have today. I'm just curious. They're typing and trying to write out what we're going to say and crying. It's weird. We're just right back. We're willing to say something.

[55:34]

It's so messy. I'm just... I don't know if we go, but I don't care about it. I don't know if the one who is going to figure this out. I don't know. [...] I think this is the final conversation of what you're enjoying it. She was such an artist.

[57:02]

She was such an artist. In the entire time that I knew her, she was always deeply engaged with art making and exploring all these different mediums. Drawing and embroidery. This one was conveniently creative. I was always really inspired by that. being a artist, being disciplined. Not in the political, it's my own story. I think her discipline was part of what made her a good artist. It was like an expression of her attention. For the world. Anyways, that day, early in freshman year, I don't know what she said. In order, sometimes I feel like you don't like me. because I worked for so much, and so much.

[58:08]

And I had, like, kind of been trying to look like it cool. And I'm so thankful for our, like, 18-year-old Caraway's honesty and audacity to say that to me, because I'm sure it was something like I thought it was exactly how it was happening. I mean, just... called it out and gave me space for one of the most meaningful friendships of my life. And she was like that. She reached me when I was hard to reach. Yeah, she had this, I would say, make kind of weird friends. I think it came from her own.

[59:30]

She was... a friend who I was committed to loving and knowing for the rest of our lives. It's been my great honor to allow that commitment. She was my dear, dear friend at the very end of her life, and she will continue to be It's very fun to be out of your mind.

[60:41]

At so many points, I can see her smiling at me. And I'm holding that with me. It's so great. One of the things that Carolyn and I met freshman year in high school, we were friends. Well, we weren't friends freshman year. I just watched her from a CosMap class. She sat by the window and paid no attention to the teacher at work.

[61:49]

in this way that I was so shocked by as a 14-year-old who so desperately wanted people to love me. She just sat by the window and drew in her long flowery experience. And I remember just being so fascinated. Like, oh my god, that is a way to be that I didn't No. I've written a thousand different versions of this speech in my head. One, because it just feels like what perfect story can I find in these 16s that would encompass a whole soul?

[63:04]

And the other is because when she went missing and when she died, I felt it was anger way that I felt like people were deifying her, sort of like idolizing her, making her into this perfect person who was like all kindness and compassion and grace and elegance and warmth and presence and, you know, integrity. Like, I chose her for all of those things. But, like, one of the... And, like, I chose her for the flat-up side of all of those things, and I...

[64:20]

feel deeply committed to sort of the, like, impossibleness that it is to describe a person, a life, and, like, yeah. So I wrote many speeches trying to strike this balance of, like, wanting to share with you all, my best friends. in a way that maybe you haven't left her before and also like wanting to to be true to the ways that she was ancestrally inclined and also with me so brave and so strong and also like struggles so deeply. I was so scared. I just chose again and [...] again to love and to continue on her path of searching for truth in this life.

[65:40]

I didn't have time to find this. I think that the most important part of our friendship is how much we loved each other. often felt like we were siblings. We really could hate each other, put it into these ideological debates that they thought of as a better meeting the way that very little else can.

[66:47]

And also, there was just a complete and total commitment to each other, really. It's so beautiful to be 16 years old and to just decide with another person to fully know each other and really, really show each other our full self. Such a gift. Such a blessing. version of this speech. I would tell you all about the camping trip we took in high school where we brought no money and no debit or credit card and ran out of gas.

[67:50]

And the gas station attendant gave us a $20 bill out of her wallet. about the truly dozens of times in which I spilled things in my bed, including folding bottles and a mug of tea. There was something about her that was both so deeply embodied and graceful We raised each other.

[69:07]

It's been both, like, the worst fucking thing to lose first. And also, a beautiful gift to, like, just to feel the sorrow completely. Which is to feel my loss completely. OK, the last thing I will say to you is also what I want to say to Caroline.

[70:21]

I am so proud of you. I'm so in awe of the ways in which she really tried things. Like, sort of fully left into each thing that she tried. I thought a lot of them were young ideas. I thought a lot of them were totally brilliant. But she just left, and left, and left, and tried, and tried, and tried. learned so much by trying. Even when she was totally terrified. She tried. And I think that is so beautiful.

[71:34]

I am so proud. I want to close by singing you all a short song, because words feel like an impossible thing. This is the Ani Goon, a wordless Jewish song. is .

[73:29]

. I'm leaving.

[74:32]

It's okay. I am honored and humbled to speak today. It's true you said mine. All of you have so much you could say about the Caroline that you knew and loved and I wanted to hear all of it. A few mornings after Caroline was found, I lay in bed and started thinking about what I would say to people. And I felt her hand on my cheek and heard her loving, smiling voice say words. But I nailed it. This is one of the innumerable teachings Caroline shared with me. She'd long known when words don't reach it, they can't capture her or our reality, and yet we offer them and keep trying to connect. I offered those words in honor by her beloved Caroline.

[75:36]

She offered so many beautiful words in the four precious years that I got to know her. Then she went to Green Gulch. She was really wise. There are books written in her journals and letters. And she communicated her love so clearly for us, for life, for the troubled world. She saw and knew all this pain and also saw and offered and was totally and separate from the beauty. so truly alive. It wasn't so long ago we confessed our tendency to break that precept and elevate each other at the expense of ourselves. How could I not elevate Caroline, this beloved friend of my heart?

[76:43]

And what an exquisite gift it was to welcome her back down to the ground with me each time. This dear, joyful, wise, suffering being As she said, learning and growing and loving each other. She wrote once, I'm grateful beyond words for the part of the universe that is you. I'm grateful for your practice and your friendship and even for your suffering. Sorry. because it helps us recognize each other. Caroline's beauty was also in her total humanness. We all knew her light, her extraordinary kindness, compassion, her smiling self alight in New Valley. This was so deeply her. And she also shared and knew deeply in herself anger, despair, frustration, heartbreak, regret,

[77:52]

She didn't hide from these. She knew so deeply what during the road on Maracasu that everything is included. And as she kept growing in that knowing, kept expanding to include it all to not turn away or hide from any hints of pain of being alive and in this world, she taught me. I could be and express absolutely everything I was unheard of. And she knew it in herself. Beings are mean. take them in hand. And remarkably, she thought I was black. She saw wisdom and teachers in all of us. She saw our gifts. And then Betty said she loved us so well. Even when Carolyn was alive, I'd call in her presence sometimes to feel her with me when sitting with someone who was suffering. She shared the medicine sheet offered me so many times of loving presence, care, compassion, patience, without fixing.

[79:10]

I know I'll call in her brother. I also call in and remember her quiet, loving, observing and speaking, her delightful laughter and playful exuberance, her joyful, loving encouragement, Her bowels, creativity, and literally countless incredible creations that came forth through birth. Woven, painted, sculpted, crafted, embroidered, sewed, drilled, lacquered, laminated. And her total capableness in all that she took on. Her wholehearted, sincere practice, her strength and capacity to say true things, her sweet, persistent love that I know in her story after story about, that love that has helped countless beings emerge and open. She wrote me this poem once, The Orange, by Wendy Cope, on the back of a little cart that she painted this perfectly simple orange on.

[80:20]

The last line in this sweet poem about the simple joys of being alive that made us both cry was, I love you, I'm glad I exist. I'm grateful for the words that Caroline existed and exists. That she shared her life with me, with us. I'm beyond grateful for how she changed me and helped me become me. I'm grateful for all of our time together to be with each other through our struggles. And it was an incredible joy to watch in awe the last months of her life as she danced with grace and tender curiosity with the wisdom and teachings of her body, of her life, of the world, and to witness another level of her shining and clarity and freedom that we're coming forward. And we are grateful for her happiness, for her simple, utter gladness in her existence and existence itself.

[81:22]

So I want to end. I'll bring these words of Caroline's blessings and teachings for all of us. May our grief make us more alive, not less. May our practice let shame become humility. May we keep unfolding and growing up. May we laugh and cry as much as we can. Let's get to cry together. Let stillness hold us and silence fill us and say everything. May we take really good care of our tender hearts. May we know how completely enough we are. And may we all know deeply that everything is Caroline. My name is Miles, and I've been asked to read John's poem.

[82:51]

John and Jean are Caroline's parents, and they're online. And John and Jean, although I can't see you, I feel you, and you're in our hearts. Just like Caroline, we can't see you, but we feel you. And you're in our hearts. I would submit that this poem is written with that loving acceptance that offers that mystic humanity of us staying in relationship with people we can't see. Walking with Caroline. What would I change that could have made this not happen? To have Caroline back.

[83:53]

To walk with Caroline. To talk with Caroline. Caroline went for a walk. It was a beautiful day. Caroline was seeking knowledge of herself. on the path to understanding her gifts, following the path that would enable her to follow her gifts. Caroline was a gift. She took a walk with no other purpose other than to delight in nature, to delight in the world. Why would I change that? I've learned from Caroline to walk slowly, with no other purpose than to delight in nature, in my surroundings.

[84:59]

Caroline went for a walk. When I want to be with Caroline, I'll take a walk. The purpose of the walk will not be to get to a destination. The purpose of the walk will be to delight. It will be a beautiful day. I'll be walking. The last words will be a song sung by Ashley, SJ, and Chloe. They'll sing it once through. It's on our programs. And we'll all join for a second and third round. love for each other.

[86:32]

The days went on and she was still gone. We saved her name from the valley to the top. We had the sacred sky so that we could find Everything is Caroline. When our friend was lost, we searched high and low. We felt our love for each other grow. About the days went on, and she was still gone. From the mountain top We had to say goodbye So that we could find That everything is Caroline When our friend was lost We searched high and low

[87:52]

felt our love for each other grow. While the days went on and she was still gone, we sang her name from the mountaintops. We had to say goodbye so that we could fight is Caroline. We have to say goodbye so that we could find that everything is Caroline. We have to say goodbye so that we could Well, now chants the diagy shindarami, the sanction spell.

[89:19]

sending and invoking great combatants for Caroline and for all beings. During the chanting, we'll invite only the abbots and senior dharma teachers to please come offer incense. The rest of the assembly after the recession, please, some additional kobakus will be up in front and everyone is Warmly invited to offer incense at that time. Also, there will be no frustration, so please remain seated during all the dozen. So now with our whole body, whole mind, whole heart, whole being, we'll chant with I.D. Chandraan. Amen.

[92:01]

God bless you. Amen. Thank you.

[94:42]

Shiro yuki shikuraya Somoko norakinji Somoko moradora Somoko shirasu homonyaya Somoko soomoko shiroya Somoko shakira Thank you. Oh

[95:55]

May this positive energy adorn your place of destination. We now send you off beyond the clouds. God bless you. So we'll come up the center.

[102:44]

And just a few things before we begin rounds. There will be the reception directly afterward. Please go on ahead to the pool deck for reception. There will be some food there outdoors on the desk for you to mingle. And did you want to say something, Brenda? Anything else? No, none in particular. I wanted to confirm, we might have a slideshow happening in the Wheelwright Center, which is not too far, but across from the bookstore, some pictures of Carolyn. So right next door at the Wheelwright Center in Maine. I'll find some photographs there or treasured items of Carolinas. If those who are available would like to help restore the Zendo, you may stay back afterwards or come back in a half hour.

[103:48]

That would be helpful. So helpful. Thank you. All right, everyone.

[105:41]

Love you all. Love you, John and Jean. America, do you feel as though you've got to do all of that stuff?

[106:01]

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