This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening. Okay, that's the end of the easy part of the evening. Now I'm supposed to say something. So we are all together trying to do a Tosahara guest season. We haven't done one for two years, two in however long it's been, forever. And now we're all together trying to do one.

[01:08]

We're trying to see if it works. And I've been wondering, what is it You know, what is it that we're trying to do? There's this... I've hardly been here in the last two years. I've been mostly at Jamesburg, just like the rest of you, most of you. A few of you have been right here. Thank you very much. So what is this thing that we're trying to do? You know, it's financially important to Zen Center. That's nice. But that's not enough to... So coming back in to Tassajara, I think like many of you, maybe especially guests who have been here before, I was kind of like hit with this, oh, it's this really special place. There's something very special about the place.

[02:13]

I think before Tassajara, Certainly before there was a Zen center here, before there was a resort here, maybe probably before the Native Americans were here, this place was, I think, of course I wasn't here, I don't know for sure, but it feels to me like it's a special place. And then we contribute to that specialness somehow. each of us in our own way, we certainly make it more complicated. And I've had the feeling for years that this schedule that we do, the schedule that we do in the summer is a modification of what we do in the winter when we do a very traditional practice period schedule with a lot of meditation and very structured that comes from ancient China through Japan to here and the feeling that I have about it is that it was developed obviously, obviously developed over thousands of years to be pretty balanced in a variety of ways like in the

[03:42]

During the practice period, I think most people who come to a practice period come at the first time thinking, I'm just going to go there, I'm just going to sit with myself. And then I think are pretty surprised at how social it is, even though there's a lot of time in silence and, you know, a lot of time here in this room. Most of the meals are here in this room, so it's not like a kind of talk, talk, talks, social. And it's very mutual. It's a very mutual thing that happens. And what happens in the summer is very much that way too. It's very much a mutually created complication. And I think a lot of what we do here is meant to create a foundation for that complication, to create some stability on which... Human complications can happen, hopefully without too much damage being done.

[04:47]

You know, Dogen, who's the founder of this school, one of the very famous things that he said to me is, he didn't say it to me, he said it to all of us, but to me it's famous. To study Buddhism is to study the self. He goes on. But that's a lot right there. First of all, that word study. I have a little bit of a problem with that. It seems so academic. It seems so intellectually oriented and kind of like you might dissect something to study it. Or you might really focus on it or sort of take it apart and study it. So I don't think that's the kind of study that we're doing, actually. I think it's a much more gentle, much more unknown study.

[05:59]

We're trying to understand. the nature of reality. We're trying to understand the human complication. We're trying to understand how do we live in this world in some way to hopefully create less suffering instead of more suffering for ourself and others. And of course, because we're human, I guess, we mostly try to do that by figuring it out. So we read books and we learn about Buddhism and we try to sit zazen in the right way and we try to study ourself. And we're just not, we're too klutzy. The way to think about how do I create suffering doesn't match the subtlety of how we do it. Somehow we have to be open to what's actually happening with us and open to that suffering and open to the complexity of where it comes from and how it functions.

[07:11]

Not because we need to be able to get it down and pass the test about it and be able to say, this is how I create suffering and now I'll be able to stop. But so that we have a heartfelt understanding of how suffering happens around this person, how it happens inside and outside, what's happening there. And the fact that we're trying to do it with our mind is part of the problem. It's like we're so convinced that we should be able to Make ourself into an okay person. Figure out what's wrong with me and make me something that will be various things. Likeable by other people. Hopefully they'll love me. Helpful.

[08:14]

Make ourself helpful. To make ourself good. To make ourself safe. And we're trying very, very hard. We're... I think most of us at some level are pretty convinced that that's our job. Make this person okay in this life. And the sooner the better. And I think that's not really our job. It's not really possible. There's a way that we're not okay. We're not okay. We are definitely going to die. That's not okay. For someone, you know, who cares about this person a lot and wants everything to go well for her, she's going to die. What? That's not okay as an indie, right? For if I'm supposed to be in charge of making it okay, I don't want that.

[09:17]

Thank you, anyway. Or if I have to have it, I want it to be, you know, pleasant. Various things that are not possible so and I again I don't think that that's really how it works I think it has much the way the world works I may be so boldest to say is that together this thing is happening this thing that we are very very much a part of but that nobody knows the next minute of I mean, we think we know, you know, this lecture's going to go on for a finite amount of time, that's definitely my plan, and then we will leave, you know, we'll go to our rooms, we'll get a good night's sleep, and tomorrow will happen, we'll try this experiment of the guest season again, hopefully. But we don't actually know that, you know?

[10:20]

We think that, and it gives us comfort to think, or sometimes it bothers us, but... But we live our life as if we know, and we pretty much have to do that, you know, otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here because I'm, you know, feet off the ground and it could fall over at any moment. So I trust that this tan and this, you know, the floor is going to stay there. That's okay, but I don't actually know that. And to think... that I'm supposed to somehow figure out how to make each one of you happy with me, it's very wary, you know? We do it. Or we, you know, we do something like that, whatever our goal is. My goal is to make each of you happy with me. We may have a different goal that's just as good, I'm sure, but probably just as impossible. So... To really get a glimpse of how little we know, how little we are in control, and yet how impactful we are, how what we do has an impact, what we think, what we say, what we feel has an impact, can be very frightening, especially if we still have this sense

[11:50]

sort of hidden subtly there that we need to make it work. So that's what I think we're doing here. We're being supported in various ways, you know, with food and housing and a schedule and mostly being pretty polite to each other. so that there's enough space for us to relax our grip on controlling our life. And then we throw in zazen, which in a way I think forces us to relax our control. I mean, we can sit there trying to be in control of our mind, you know, count your breath or stay awake at least. And sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

[12:51]

And over time, I think there's some, I don't know, this is one way of describing what might be happening, some relaxing into trusting that I belong. I think belonging, as Eli's been saying, also I've been thinking, is a huge question for us. Do I belong? And then we narrow it down to do I belong at Zen Center? Do I belong in my family? Do I belong? But it's a deeper question than that for us. It's really kind of like, do I belong? Do I have a right to exist? Do I... Is this the right person to be in this spot in the universe? That's kind of the thing that we need to settle into.

[14:00]

And I do not think this is something that we can convince ourselves of. We can talk ourselves into. Yes, you do belong. You must belong. I mean, there is a logical explanation for why we belong, which is that... We are, each of us, here by dependent core rising. Dependent core rising, maybe you know, is everything makes everything. So everything that's happened up to now has gone into bringing you here. That doesn't mean you should stay here. It doesn't mean you will stay here. But everything, not just your decision to come here, but the fact that the forest is not on fire right now, the fact that We aren't having an earthquake. We didn't have one recently. Anyway, you can imagine. Many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many things brought you here. So you belong.

[15:01]

That's the logical explanation. How we each start to feel like that's true, like I am where I'm supposed to be. And what I'm feeling... which might be pleasant or might be really unpleasant, fits in this situation. And it may be something that I'm really afraid to tell people about or that I'm really angry to tell them about, but somehow it fits in the situation. And to complicate it further, because we are people, we might have an interpretation about it that's not so accurate or that is partially accurate but not completely accurate. And still it fits somehow. So it doesn't mean that everything is going to be harmonious, but somehow I have to be my part of the universal mandala at this moment. And, better yet, I am.

[16:04]

You are. Whatever you think or feel, you are your part of the universal mandala at this moment. And that's part of the settling. It's like giving up. this is what I'm calling me right now and I may not be able to say what it is or know who it's going to be in a minute and yet here I am and not verbally not mentally but somewhere somehow giving up settling into that and actualizing that so that's what I think we're doing is trying to... Well, let's see. We're actually doing it. We're actually, like here, doing this thing, which I think is a pretty good setup for helping people do that. That's my opinion, having watched it for years and talked to many, many people. Not without pain, you know, not without some surprises, but also with joy and...

[17:14]

an increase in freedom. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving.

[17:38]

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