This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. I wanted to acknowledge that we are pretty settled and at the same time, I think rather sensitive. I don't mean to make a generalization, but sensitive things are a little raw, perhaps. So I'd like to ask everyone again to profoundly leave each other alone and also follow the admonitions for the practice of sesheen. renew, kind of re-consecrate to following the forms of Sesshin.

[01:08]

I think this will help hold the container that we've created together with our sincerity and our energies and carry us, help to carry us through until the last period of Zazen for the Sesshin. So each one, however that falls on your ears, whatever that means to you, please take that to heart. There can be a tendency near the closing days of a Sishin to relax the admonitions and forms. Not that noticeable a way, but noticeable to yourself. And it makes a difference for the energy.

[02:10]

So, bringing ourselves to our cushion each period of Zazen with fresh sincerity, intention, as if this was the first period of Zazen you've ever sat. letting go of past experiences, whether they were positive or negative, and open to what is before you, letting go of success or failure, comparing ourselves, comparing mind, letting go of having any designs on becoming a Buddha. Have no designs upon becoming a Buddha. Just sit. in your Bodhi, on your Bodhimanda, your awakening, see and make sincere effort, effortless effort.

[03:14]

In the stories, in so many of the stories, we have these great realizations and experiences of enlightenment, and someone was talking with me about Is it important? And what about that? So all of our stories, the part of the story that comes down to us is the end, the last chapter. And there's a saying, but nobody talks about the 10,000 sweating horses. The 10,000 sweating horses, the practice of day after [...] day renewed effort. So behind those stories are the 10,000 sweating horses and that strenuous making mistakes, failures,

[04:28]

are all, they're not really failures. There's a saying by Dogen, hitting the mark is the result of 99 failures. So when you hit a target and you get bullseye, That's not disconnected from the 100th try. That's completely connected with 99 failures. Over and over again, making that effort, trying, pulling the ball. So then, are our failures really failures?

[05:32]

What's a failure then? without that diligence and perseverance. It doesn't make much sense. So with that spirit to come over and over again to your cushion or to your kitchen work or to serving, whatever it is you're doing, that is all you're doing. And that goes beyond, you know, when we say go beyond,

[06:38]

The mind is pure and goes beyond. Goes beyond what? Goes beyond getting stuck on success or failure. It's beyond true or false or good or bad. It's just united with your activity, with sincere mind, heart. So was that a failure? And with that spirit, we continue our way together. In this blessed valley, I was thinking of my first practice period where I was quite miserable. And it was a fall. The following fall, I looked around. Did I tell you the story? And I said, did this happen last year? Like the trees turning. I hadn't seen any. I hadn't seen.

[07:39]

The brocade carpet, I hadn't seen anything. It was a funny question, did this happen last year? I also was thinking about that first practice period when I had very bad chill blades, these sores on my feet, on my toes, and on my hands. And I didn't know what they were. my first practice period, I was in the kitchen for various reasons, and I thought my shoes were too small because it hurt when I put my shoes on. So I think I ordered shoes on a catalog, but it was just swollen children's. And my hands were very, it was very bad and kind of open sores, and it hadn't been so prevalent before somehow. I remember the abbot, Zen Tatsu Baker, heard about it from somebody that I had this problem with my hands.

[08:44]

And he asked, I remember on the path, I think it was in front of the office, he said, let me see your hands. And I put my hands behind my back and I wouldn't show them. And he said, that's not how we practice. And I wouldn't show them because I felt the fact that I had these sores meant my practice was a failure. I couldn't breathe properly. My circulation was bad. And this was proof. Look at this. This showed what a terrible Zen student I was. And now the abbot wants to see the evidence. And I remember when he said, that's not how we practice. I almost didn't understand what he meant. Just be yourself, let me see your hands. I finally showed them to them. So, show people your children, if you want to.

[09:46]

And take good care of your hands and feet. If you're getting them, I don't know. I know there are people that may have been keeping your hands and feet out of them. Even temperature is important. And for a while I was wearing little gloves. So what is the way that we practice? What is failure? I wanted to welcome Linda back. at your back safety. So there was a request yesterday from Emma to talk about Peter Pan. And I think the other times I've talked about Peter Pan, it's come kind of spontaneously.

[10:51]

I couldn't help myself this woman that way. But I've never actually prepared, you know, what is it about this story? And is it just a waste of your time to sit here in upright posture and hear about this what is the dharma why is it just about you i don't want to indulge or use you in any way to indulge so i tried to get to like a wayseeking mind talk what it is about this story what it was for me as a child really And I came up with a number of things, you know, trauma, loss, impermanence, jealousy, courage, my first introduction to form, leadership styles. So I thought, oh, that's all in there.

[11:52]

That's really in there. So I felt more confident that I wasn't going to waste your time, longing, power. They're all underlined here in my notes. So please indicate to me if you don't even know who Peter Pan is or what I'm talking about. A little bit, sort of, sort of? A little bit. Okay. Yes, yes, yes, Jeremy. So I'll just give a little background and then You know, it's not necessary to know the story ahead of time. But those of you who didn't raise your hand and have some relationship to the story, it might be the Disney version or it might be Mary Martin, the musical. It might be, maybe some of you read the book as a child.

[12:52]

I don't know. How many of you read the kind of book that all those things come from? Good. That's great. That's really great. So Peter Pan's story was written by James Berry, who was Scottish. The first rendition of it was before the story we're mostly familiar with was in 1902. And it was kind of the origins of Peter Pan. Another story about the Anselton Garden takes place in London. and then Peter and Wendy, and then that got turned into a play, and then there were further iterations. And Arthur Rackham, the great illustrator, illustrated the book with fantastic illustrations, and it became a musical and a Disney cartoon and so forth.

[13:53]

But the book that I was given as a child had a green cover and these very nice pages, a little bit thick of paper. And I read it, I don't know how many times, it's like I would read it periodically. So Peter Pan is a young boy who has his first teeth still. And Peter Pan never grows up. That's one of his qualities. He doesn't grow up. analysis there's a word the puer p-u-e-r that's up for a male and a female of it where up where up is a you know it's it's a you know not wanting to grow up i mean peter didn't because he's magical but we all have to but there's

[15:02]

kind of a quality of not wanting to grow up and not taking responsibility, not wanting to be a mature adult and living one's life that way and one, you know, we may know people who never really take up their life with maturity. So it's a kind of archetype of this youthful and there's problematic parts to that. So Peter, the origins of Peter, he did have parents, but he was very adventuresome, and he left the house when he was quite little. I think he might have been able to fly then, I think. But anyway, when he came back, there was a new baby, and the windows were locked, and he couldn't get back yet. He thought, all right, that's how you're going to get it. I don't need you. That was it. Never again. saw his parents again.

[16:03]

So there's this basic trauma, I think, in Peter said that he felt his parents, he left them for adventure, but then he never reunited. He didn't really have parents. He didn't have a mother, a father. So the story opens up with Peter outside the window of the Darling's house, Mr. and Mrs. Darling's house in London, and the Darlings had three children, Wendy, John, and Michael. And they, in a probably British kind of way, they had a nursery or a certain class in British life. There was a nursery where the children slept. And Mrs. Darling was telling them to school, And she did.

[17:05]

And Peter, because he didn't have a mother, wanted to hear a story. And he was at the window listening to his story. Nana, the dog, noticed that there was this being outside the window on the second floor. And she started barking. Peter flew away, and they slammed the window so fast that his shadow was severed from his body, and he was left inside the house. And this is darling, when she saw him go flying, and she looked down at the street, afraid that Peter had hurt himself. Anyway, he was nowhere to be seen. Anyway, later he came back to get his shadow back. And he crept into the nursery.

[18:10]

And went looking for it in drawers and found it. And then he was trying to stick it back out of the soap. And it wouldn't stick. And he started crying. He was in the nursery. He started crying. And when he sat up in bed and said, boy, why are you crying?" And he immediately said, I've got that. And she said, oh, you're trying to put it on the soap. It needs to be sewn. And he says, what's sewn? She said, I'll do it for you. So she got the shadow. Actually, Mrs. Darling had looked at the shadow before and held it up, but she folded it very nicely, put it in the store. Anyway, Wendy sewed it on, and it hurt, but Peter didn't cry. This was his, he froze, right? I don't cry. She got it on, and as soon as it was on, he started dancing around, because he was so happy to have his shadow back, and saying, look what I did.

[19:17]

I got my shadow back. And it was like, what do you mean? Wendy thought I sewed it on. How come you don't thank me? This is Peter's quality. Extremely self-centered. He doesn't have a lot of relationship to his relational abilities. I'm not very mature. He's a kid. Wow. Anyway, but he did realize that she was a little miffed. I won't go into all the details, but... Anyway, they made up. She said, can I give you a kiss? He said, what's a kiss? And... She kissed him on the cheek, and he said, can I give you a kiss? She said, sure. She picked out her cheek, and he gave him an acorn necklace. He didn't know what it was. Anyway, that acorn necklace comes into the story, Lee. Anyway, so he was asking her about what happened at the end of the story, which happened to Cinderella, and she told him the end of the story.

[20:26]

He said, great, now I'm going to go back and tell the lost boys. for the Neverland where I live, the end of the story, because we've been waiting for it. And she said, oh, don't go. You know, he's flying around the road. And he's the epitome of freedom and excitement at her adventure. She lives a very kind of a staid life there in London with her family. And he said, come with us. Come with me. Come, I can teach you how to fly. And he had fairy dust all over his hands. Plus, there was this light that kept looping around the room. And it would light for a second. And she saw it was a little tiny fairy, a beautiful little fairy with wings. And he said, I have fairy dust all over me because of Tinkerbell. That was his companion fairy. And I'll blow it off. I can teach you how. And she said, let me wake up John and Michael.

[21:26]

My brothers, she didn't want them to miss it. So she said, John, Michael, wake up. Peter Pan's come to teach us how to cry. And they said, really? Well, I'm ready, you know. So the group ferried us all over them. And then they tried it out. And it didn't take long. You know, kids, they just picked it up right away. And we're flying all around. Nana. was out chained up in the yard because Mr. Darling didn't want the neighbors to talk about when they had a nursemaid. So he got chained up in the yard. Mama's looking at the room and sees the children flying around in his lights and he's barking, barking, barking. The Darlings had been out for the evening. And he breaks his chain, her chain, maybe Nana, and races off to the neighbors where the darlings are barking, barking, barking.

[22:34]

Meanwhile, the children are learning to fly. They're in there like the 90s. And Peter says, come on, let's go. And they open the window. And off they go into the night, just as the darlings in their evening outfits come back, Nana. And Nana's barking, barking. And they get there, but it's too late. And the last line of that chapter was, the birds have flown. They walk into the night. Second start to the right, and straight out is the address. And they're first, they're going around spires, and they're in and out over London, and they're just having the time to light. And Peter is much faster than they. He goes way off. And they're flying and flying and flying all night. Long story short about their visit, you know, how they got there. They get kind of lost course.

[23:36]

They blow off course as they get closer. And Tinkerbell, who's becoming very jealous when it feels very interesting, enticed her. He enticed her to Neverland by saying, There are these lost boys there. They don't have a mother. You can do them with it. You can read stories to them. And she kind of goes, oh, oh. And, you know, this is a very particular... Power move is perfect. He kind of knows when we soft spot. And we can mend our clothes. You can cook for us. And you can clean house. He went back to the cellulose. And he was saying it could be a real, real lost voice again.

[24:45]

That is like that dinner, because that's where the sun goes. Anyway, take the mouse down. And that's where you go to tell the lost voice again. and she will want to shoot it down. You will be really happy with you. It's Peter Higgel. And they do. They shoot an arrow and then she flies over. So they hit that acorn in her fist. And then he will get the arrow and saves her. She doesn't hit her. But she's there. They realize... This is it. [...] So in terms of, you know, understanding how it is and tempting, you always see

[25:51]

how what happened with the way out. That came very clear to me. So when Peter, when Peter comes, he is, he asks who did this, you know. She went, oh, Wendy knew at that point and they realized she's not dead. And so it's less of a terrible thing. And they make a house for her. So that's how they get to Neverland and begin their domestic bliss there. So some of the teachings of an earliest, one of them was Wendy's mother. She says when Wendy was two years old, Wendy had these flowers, and she ran to her mother with the flowers.

[26:58]

And Wendy's mother thought, oh, why can't you remain like this forever? That was her thought, knowing that pretty soon this darling baby will be grown up and gone, and I'll be not here anymore. And that line, oh, why can't you remain like this forever? It was like, I got it. about impermanence and grasping and the impossibility of holding anything. So that was one of those lessons. Another thing about the self-centeredness, Peter, he would go off on these adventures and then and forget about what he did. He'd come back covered in mermaid scales and all sorts of things. And they'd say, what happened? What did you just do? And where were you? And he said, I can't remember. But he had a grand old time.

[28:00]

And then sometimes when he would come back, he'd say to Wendy, who are you? And that was like, she'd say, I'm Wendy. I'm Wendy. And he would kind of forget, you know, because he was so... had so much self-concern and so, I suppose you might say narcissistic, or he just was like full of himself. You know, very cocky, which is one of the songs in the musical. I got a crow. He used to crow with delight in himself, which is very fascinating. You know, I was completely taken by that overboard full of himself. You know, it was like there's something appealing about it. But that thing with Wendy where he would forget her, And then he'd say, just keep saying, I'm Wendy, I'm Wendy, and I'll remember. So she was put in the position of having to say, I'm Wendy.

[29:02]

Remember me? I'm Wendy. Which is degrading, you know? And here she's sewing his clothes and reading stories. So that really came deeply in. How could he forget her, you know? How could he be that unrelated? And that was one of those messages. So, it was not all domestic bliss on the island, on Neverland. There were scary things there as well, one of which was this band of pirates led by Captain Hook. And Captain Hook was... a real scary guy. He had lost his left hand, I think, to a crocodile who bit off his hand and loved the taste of Captain Hook so much that he forever followed around Captain Hook.

[30:15]

And he, luckily, this crocodile, luckily for Captain Hook, had swallowed a clock that ticked So when the crocodile was coming closer and near the ship, Hook heard the ticking. And he was totally, this was a, talk about trauma. When that ticking, when he heard the ticking, he would like stop cowering, cowering. And his other pirates had to kind of hide him and make sure the crocodile was gone. But he knew one day the clock would run down. and it wouldn't tick, and he would be at his mercy. This was his biggest fear. Anyway, Hook was a rapscallion, you know, he was a scary guy. And Peter Pan and Captain Hook were arch enemies, and also probably admired each other a little bit too. At that point, that there was this mixture, you know, like they were noble opponents because they were both pretty skilled, so that was in there.

[31:21]

Anyway, Cook was always trying to get Peter and capture the boys, so they had to be very careful about that. And there were other things like mermaids, and there was a band of Native Americans who lived on the island. I'm not sure how James Berry included that, but he did. I think in the 1900s, maybe that was exotic. So there was Tiger Lily, who was the name of the head matriarch of the Native American clan that was there. So all these, they all interacted and they all moved around the island about the same speed, so they didn't bump into each other, but they just kept circling and having their lives, but then every once in a while they encounter each other and there'd be a skirmish of some sort.

[32:22]

So, this is one, this is near the end of the story. They had been living this way in kind of domestic bliss, and Wendy realized or said to Peter, you know, you know that I'm not really your mother, right? I mean, and it was like Peter was, really? I mean, kind of like, I mean, make-believe for Peter and regular reality was like, it was totally complaining. He was like, oh, you mean you're not a real mother? And then Wendy realized John and Michael, her own brothers, kind of had forgotten their parents. And they had kind of thought, well, aren't you our mother, sir, I guess? And that worried Wendy, like, wait a minute, are they forgetting our parents? Because she was kind of into the game, but realized other people had, they couldn't tell the game from the reality.

[33:32]

And that worried her that her brothers had forgotten. She was saying, remember Nana, you know, in our nursery? It was like very vague for them. And she thought, I think we better, maybe we've been here too long. They had been there for a while, having their adventures and everything. But she said, I think we should go back. And she said to the lost boys, do you want to come back with us? And my parents will adopt you all, I'm sure. I think they'll be happy to have you. And Peter, you can come too. And Peter was like, do what you want. I'm not... I'm not going. They're not going to make me wear a suit and tie and grow up. No way. I'm not going. But you can go if you want. He acted as if, I remember this too, he acted as if this doesn't matter to me. I don't care. You can all leave me.

[34:34]

I'm just fine. Just the way I am. All by myself. You're a tink. I've got tink. And when he was like, really? You really feel okay about it?" And they said, yeah. We'll accompany you to the... We'll fly with you all the way, but I'm not going. And of course, she felt, well, don't you want to be with us? And she said, well, let's have our life. She wanted to live a life together, a related life. And he was like, he couldn't go there. I think this was part of his... that he had no attachment secure attachment not just i apologize peter but you know he um he couldn't go there you know he couldn't express that it mattered to him that wendy was going to go the only person he'd ever had this some something that was close to a good relationship and that the boys were all going to leave and leave him there

[35:42]

So they had built this underground house to stay away from the pirates and all, which the pirates had discovered. And they were in the upper house, the house of leaves that they had built for Wendy. And Peter went down into the under house and fell asleep. And she said to him, we'll be ready to go in the morning and take your medicine, Peter. Be sure and take your medicine. And he said to himself, I'm not taking that only medicine that she's asking me to take. I don't need to take medicine. And like cutting off his nose to spite his face, he probably needed the medicine. But if Wendy's asking to, I'll hurt her because she's hurt me by not taking my medicine. So there, which really hurt himself. So he's asleep. And he would sleep very, very deeply.

[36:45]

This was part of Peter. You know, it was hard to wake him. And in the upper house, Wendy and the boys, the... I might be getting the details wrong. Anyway, they're kidnapped by the pirates and taken to the pirate ship. The whole lock, stock, and barrel of them while Peter's sleeping. And... He wakes up, and he realizes, or Tink, I think, maybe tells him what happened. And he said, we're going to save them. We're going to save. You know, he was so courageous. Nothing scared him. We'll get them back, and we'll save them. And then he saw his medicine sitting there. Now, after they had captured Wendy and the boys, they realized that one of these tree trunks, the tree trunks were the entrances to this underground house, was warm. And that was because there was a fire in the hearth.

[37:46]

And they realized it was a hollow tree. And Hook went down there and saw Peter sleeping and could have killed him in his sleep, but he felt it was bad form. And I remember saying to my mother, what is bad form? What is form? What are they talking about? I had never heard the word used that way. What is bad form? And I think my mother tried to describe it to me, but I got the feel for it that it was like, it was like a kind of uprightness, even being a pirate. There's a kind of code of honor, you know, even for thieves or pirates that you act by and to kill your arch nemesis in his sleep, undefended, It's like, that's not really a feather in your cap. That's like, it's bad form. So instead, he, which is probably bad form too, he put poison into the medicine.

[38:53]

Tink saw this, because Tink was down there. And so Peter wakes up, realizes, or Tink tells him what's happened. And he sees the medicine, and of course he has some thought, you know, Wendy's been kidnapped by pirates, what has happened to her? And then he says, I'll take my medicine, because she wanted me to do that kind of for her. I'll take my medicine. And just, I'm going to pause there, because in the Lotus Sutra, there's the parable of the... of the doctor, the father who's a doctor and his children who won't take their medicine because they're so self-involved and their medicine, he wants them to take medicine and they won't do it, they don't listen to him, they've got their own things. And then he goes away and sends word to them, this is his skillful means, this doctor, that he's died.

[40:00]

And this was very sobering to these children in the Lotus Sutra. And they thought, well, we will take our medicine like Dad wanted us to. And I thought, isn't that interesting? It's that same, very similar set of conditions. For the sake of another, I'll take my medicine out of love and that I miss them and that they're gone. I'll do what they asked me to do. That's the Lotus Sutra, and the further teachings of that parable is that when the Buddha died, took parinirvana, that was as a skillful means so that people wouldn't say, well, the Buddha's always around. We've always got access to the Buddha. We can kind of do what we want. There's time. There's plenty of time. There's this death as a skillful means. And then we find out in the Lotus Sutra, Chapter 16, that he didn't really die, but there's many near Manakaya Buddhas.

[41:05]

So anyway, back to Peter Pan, it's the same thing. It's like, for the sake of this person that I do care about and is no longer here and in trouble, maybe dead, I'll do what I know is kind of healthy for me. So he gets his medicine. And Tink sees, and had seen Hook put the poison in there. And as a bodhisattva act, even without thinking, I was groping for a pill in the night, without thinking, there wasn't time to explain and stop it. He was like, gee, Peter, he would put it down, and she would move in between his lips and the vial, and drink all the way down. She kept in there, like, Tink, that was my medicine, what are you thinking? And right away, he began to show something like that.

[42:13]

He began to cry because of his love for this companion that he's really never able to express, but he feels it then, and her great love for him. And he makes an appeal to all the children in the whole world who might be dreaming of Neverland right now, in their nurseries or anywhere, who are dreaming of Neverland as children do, to say, because when you say, I don't believe in fairies, fairies somewhere dies. If you think in that way, Fairies are, if you say, I don't believe in fairies, then fairies die all the time. And he do this, Peter do this, and appeals to all the children to, if you believe in fairies, to clap, start clapping, and send that positive energy of belief, which is healthy for fairies to tink.

[43:19]

And all these children all around the world who are dreaming of Neverland began clapping in their sleep. And, of course, I began clapping, you know. And slowly, slowly she revives. She receives that, the merit of that belief in her life. And she revives. And hundreds and thousands of ministries and parents are rushing me in to see what is going on. So he saved Tick with his skillful means and asked him for help. Then revived the two of them. The end of that chapter, the last line is, hook on me this time.

[44:22]

And then they go to the pirate ship. And on the way to the pirate ship, Peter sees the crocodile. it's you notice there's something a little odd about the crocodile who's a regular teacher of neverland and it happened crocodile so peter and making the ticking sound and using that as a cover to get close to the pirate ship knowing effect that would have on hook so he creeps closer and closer to the pirate ship ticking hook hears the the ticking and does his usual you know he's triggered strongly and and we get to hide and ask for help and and the pirates are doing their thing peter creeps on board ticking and goes to where the boys are and

[45:28]

Peter and Wendy, John and Michael and Wendy, are tied up while he's teaching. And they realize the creativity, the brilliance of Peter's ploy. And they almost raised a shout of admiration. Don't give him the accolades now. We're still in this. Again, ties them, arms them. and they're set loose and they go after and fight pirates who were just about to have them walk the plane and he was you know hook was going to save waiting and then he said how he this is hook also knows how he was gonna he was gonna have have her watch as all of the lost boys, and John, and like a lot of those.

[46:36]

So they will all drop. She was going to make her watch as they all went to their deaths. That cruelty. And then he said, but you can save them. You can save yourself. We need the armored pirates. And she almost succumbs to that to save them. And then I think it's John, in what's described as a kind of English stalwartness, basically says, you know, and will die rather than live under those circumstances. And he's just a kid, you know, but he... It reminds me of the kind of stereotype, but also this ethos, you know, of facing life's difficulties.

[47:50]

Anyway, and that kind of wakes her up like, no, we're not going to live that way. Anyway. That's where they are. They set upon the pirates and Hook realizes it's been Peter all along and he revives immediately. He drops everything and they fight. Peter, of course, is much smaller, but he also can fly. They're both excellent swordsmen. And at the end, Peter has him and has him at his mercy. And he's about to do the final kind of coup de grace. And instead, what he does is he kicks him off the ship. Andy Cook says his last words are bad for the fact that Peter kind of

[48:56]

And he went happily to his death, seeing Peter exhibit bad form, because it's like the one, you know, the perfect one who do no longer and bested me in all my grand evilness. Even he, you know, has faults, has a blind spot, isn't following precepts, and isn't upright. And for Hugg, that, who, you know, this thing about form was, that was really the, kind of the, this very high, high importance to be upright. And when Peter did that, he, wow, you know, That was comforting to him, maybe, that everybody has failures.

[50:04]

So after that, they had won, and some of the pirates were kind of sweet-smeat. Anyway, they played pirate. It was all fun. And put on pirate outfits and comped around the ship for a while. But then, when he said, you know, we were going to... We were gonna go back, you know, and come on, Peter White, let's come with us. And he said, you know, we'll go as far as the door, but I'm not gonna go, I'm not gonna come. So they flew back, and Wendy was a little worried, you know, that her parents would have gotten them maybe, but Mrs. Darling never locked that window. It didn't matter what the weather was. that window open in the nursery for them to come back. So she didn't forget them. And Mr. Darling was kind of over the conversation.

[51:11]

He made a vow to live in the doghouse. He took it. He felt that it was his fault because he had chained that out and had not been there. They wouldn't have flown away. So he, you know, called from the He lived in the doghouse, Nana's doghouse, which Nana didn't really like, Nana. But that was his penance. So Mr. Darling lived in the doghouse. Which seemed perfectly natural to me as a kid. Like, yeah, you should live in the doghouse. He was so, not about form, he was so concerned with what people thought of them, what they thought of, and class distinctions, and are we... And that was another thing, like, to be overly concerned with other people's approval of you, leading us to know that that was clear. Because you will do things that... So anyway, the window is open.

[52:13]

They fly in, it's a wonderful morning, hugs all of them, tears and hugs, and just overjoyed. And when he says, these are all the lost boys, will you adopt them? And it's like, of course we both. There was like no question. And then Wendy looks over and there's Peter outside the window looking in at this scene of joy, reunion, love, acceptance. And he's like, you know, this combination of longing for it. And I'm not going to, you're not going to eat. You're not going to get out of me. I'm longing for this, it was so clear, this conflict, you know, and this, maybe what he longed for most, he wouldn't give himself. And Wendy said, Peter, you know, come in. They'll adopt all of us, you know.

[53:16]

No, no. And then he says, well, I'm going back, you know. And Wendy said, but, and then Wendy was like, He's going to leave you, this being who meant so much to her in so many ways. And she said, maybe I should go back or something. And she got very confused. It was so intense. And Mrs. Darling said, well, you can go every year. You can go back for two weeks for spring cleaning if you want. And she said, oh, yes, yes. Peter said, yeah, I'll come for you for spring cleaning, sure. And she said, you won't forget, will you? Won't forget? No. Won't forget? Okay. We'll see you. I'll come back for you in spring cleaning. But kind of Wendy, she knew that, you know, he forgets. So the Lost Boys did very, very well. They put him in a school, probably one of those schools where they had to wear uniforms and stuff.

[54:19]

And they actually took to it. They were okay. And it came time for spring cleaning. Wendy put on her dress that she wore in Neverland, which was made of leaves. Peter wore skeleton leaves and cobwebs and things. And she waited. And he did come back. But her dress, nobody grows up in Neverland. But back in London, they were growing. And her dress was really small, kind of short. And she didn't want him to notice, but of course, Peter didn't notice for one second that her dress was... I mean, that's not something he would notice at all, right? And she went back with him. She did the spring cleaning, and they had a nice time. And then the next year, she couldn't wear the dress at all. It really didn't fit. There was no way she could wear that dress with leaves. And he didn't come for that year. And he didn't come next year. Then... Wendy couldn't help it, but she grew up.

[55:24]

She just grew up. And she kind of, I remember it saying, and she was the kind of person who enjoyed it. She enjoyed it. And one day, she was older and was married, and Joy of Joy had a daughter of her own. named Margaret. And Mr. and Mrs. Darling had died by them, which was another thing about imprinting sight, you know, that the doctor died. She had her daughter, Margaret. And she's sitting in the rocking chair in the nursery by the fire. And Margaret was asleep in bed. She was knitting, rocking. All of a sudden, the casement window opens up and Peter drops in.

[56:25]

Hello, Wendy. He recognized you're sitting there in this chair. Are you ready for spring cleaning? Come back with me. You know, this pain, this enormous pain arose in her because she was all thrown up. And she said, I don't know if I know how to fly anymore. And he said, that's okay, I've got very best, I hope I can go on again. Don't worry about that. And then she said that she had to confess her, but I've grown up. And he said, no, what do you mean, or something. And she says, it's true. And then she stood up out of her rocking chair and she was a big, woman, she was an older woman, and he just, he just like crumpled on the ground crying, you know, you just couldn't believe it, that she had, you know, it was like betraying him.

[57:35]

And he's crying there, and she didn't know what to do. And it says, she who could have come to him so easily before didn't know what to say anymore. She left the room, and he's caught crying. And Margaret, wait, Margaret hears the crying, and she sits up in bed, and she says, boy, why are you crying? She knew it was beautiful. She had heard all the other stories. And he said, I'm not crying, which she knew all about here. And she said, I came to bring my mother. She said, well, I'll go if I don't know how to fly. And when she's flying, Wendy comes back in and it's like, oh no, you know, like Margaret.

[58:39]

And so, Margaret's like, it's spring cleaning time, can I go, can I go? And Wendy's like, oh, she's so torn, you know. And then Margaret says to her, he so needs a mother, you know. And so she lets her go, and off Margaret goes for her adventure and does spring cleaning for a number of years. And then Wendy dies, and Margaret has a daughter named Jane. And she goes for spring cleaning every year. And so it goes. That was what those scenes don't take advantage of.

[59:47]

I would be really... or I don't know what it was for anyone else. Everyone dies. And we have to let go and let each person live their life, something like that. So that was what I was going to do. It's a Dharma book for me. And part of my relationship is I love my future. I love my future. I love my future. And I love my future. It's me for my future. Which is a kind of longing to live, free.

[60:49]

He was careless, because now he was careless, being careless, and to experience that some time like that before he settles down. up there and just allow the story to be without any questions. Thank you very much for letting me out.

[61:58]

Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma Talks are offered free of charge. and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving.

[62:17]

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