I'm proud to face the truth and let the tiger's eyes burn. Good morning. Good morning. Karma, karma, [...] karmic effects. Do you know that song? I think it's, you know, Bodhidharma's student, I think, Taiso Eka, right? Is that Huike in that other language? He was the one, in order to prove himself, arrived at Bodhidharma's chalet

[01:03]

and stood in the snow all night until the morning. And Bodhidharma apparently didn't notice. So Eka came back with his arm that he had cut off, which I was thinking last night probably affected the shape of his mudra by about 50%. And so when Bodhidharma saw this, he said, OK, get in, come in. And eight years later, Eka said to Bodhidharma, I have ended all karmic effects. And Bodhidharma said, Are you sure? That usually happens when you die. Are you sure you're not dead? And Eka said, The clarity of the awareness is beyond the power of words to describe.

[02:11]

And apparently he said that in such a way and maybe in such a tone that Bodhidharma looked at him and said the words that I suspect every teacher longs to say, to be able to say, which are, You are my heir. Very powerful. So he had ended karmic effects. So karmic effects, two questions, what are they? We've certainly been looking at it. And where do they reside? Certainly, you can see them on a personal level. They seem to come from our conditioning. For example, if you do something that you perceive as a mistake, you might say, Oh, you idiot, to yourself, thereby causing an effect. And it's usually very sticky and hard to get out of, very hard to get out of.

[03:15]

Or you can see it interpersonally, like kick dog, dog bites. The immediate effect. You can see it in families, where it's almost like each family has its own particular prejudices, certainly its own stories of who the family, where the family came from, some of the early relatives and the way they were, which helps understand how we are, we are, we are this way. We are not like them. We are like ourselves. I see it, I've seen it most strongly in dealing with individuals who, as they're telling their story or you're getting to know them, you notice that they carry more, more than people need to, one person needs to. Do you know what I mean? I'll notice that, for example, that their grief that they feel much of the time is more than one person should have.

[04:25]

And what I've wondered and certainly checked out with them is where does that, where does that come from? Are you carrying your family's grief? You can see it, especially in Holocaust survivors, where often one person will carry immense grief, grief of the whole family, grief of the whole story. You can see karmic effects nationally, for example, most acutely in times of war, where I was thinking about this this morning, how, how does it come to be that we can go over next door to somebody's place and start destroying their property and killing them? And it seems that what you have to do in order to be able to do that is to first have this subtle sense, maybe not so subtle, but they have something I don't have and we want it. And then it sort of heightens a bit.

[05:29]

We need it. They don't deserve to keep it all. And then they, if you noticed, they aren't like us. They're different from us. In fact, if you notice how they mistreat the rest of the world, even each other, we think they're evil. So we should come in and as a side bonus, collect what it is that we wanted in the first place. But I think the key to it is making it a we, they, a them. They are not me. They are not us. And so what I have come to conclude, and I don't know if it's true, and I certainly don't know if Bodhidharma would say so, because he probably didn't have the word, but I think in Western terms, I think the karmic effects reside in the ego,

[06:32]

what we call the ego, the sense of self, the conditioned self, the one that knows it's right, or really right, and the one that knows whether it's really wrong, a very false point of view. So it seems to me that whenever we are dealing with the ego, that's where we will meet the strongest karmic effects. One of the things that usually happens at this point in the practice period is you hear a lot about the word vulnerable. We're feeling vulnerable. I'm feeling vulnerable. You know, the root of that word is Latin, vulnera, which means wound, wound. And I think often it feels like a wound. Wounds aren't supposed to happen. It's like an opening that occurs by either deliberation or mistake. It's not supposed to be there. That hole, that opening, isn't usually there.

[07:33]

But then, thinking more about that, I think probably this whole setup here that we live, the way we live, is designed for that purpose, to enable us to open. I think while it's happening, it feels like wounding, which isn't to say it doesn't hurt, because I think any opening hurts. So I think what happens then, when we're feeling vulnerable and open, a crack appears in the ego, a crack. The ego is usually, at least mine, is rather strong, relatively speaking. There are certain areas where, just like that, a wound happens. You know those areas, those words, or that look that causes a wound that you receive from somebody else. And what I wonder is, it's maybe the fuel that maintains the ego,

[08:36]

this sense of a separate self which needs to be protected above all costs. I think what maintains that shell is our friend's greed, hate, and delusion, strangely enough. With greed, I will be stronger if I only have this. With hate, I will be stronger if I can only fend them off. With delusion, if I only do this, they won't see me. It's funny that this time during the practice period, our defenses get really low. Maybe it's just because we're running out of gas, I don't know, just plain energy. Maybe we're too tired to be greedy, hateful, or delusive, I don't know. But still, our conditioned nature of defense often leaks out.

[09:46]

Either with a harsh word, which even at the moment you say it, at least for me it's, Oh no, oh no, why did I say that? Or to run and hide, or to disappear. It's really interesting, sitting out, facing out, probably you've noticed that. When I first started all this life, I figured if I weren't there, they wouldn't see me. But it's not like that. I look out this morning and say, Oh, where is so-and-so and know who I'm thinking about? In fact, I can say that right now. So, there's no place to hide. So then somebody, Taiso Eka, comes and says, I have ended all karmic effects.

[10:55]

Well, that's nice, but how do we end karmic effects? The thing that we chant, Ehe Koso Koskanmon, hints at it. Well, not hints, it gives explicit directions. Quietly explore the farthest reaches of these causes and conditions. Repenting in this way, one never fails to receive profound help. By revealing and disclosing our lack of faith for the Buddha, we melt away the root of transgressions by the power of our repentance. The root of transgressions, the root of karmic effects. So, by quietly exploring the causes and conditions. That makes sense, I hope. Where does this come from?

[11:57]

Just that surface exploration. Because we all know that penetrating the causes and conditions is endless. But sometimes it's easy to get the most obvious ones. As an example of that, I was thinking about helping others. So-called helping others. And the disastrous karmic effects that can cause. I know in my training as a pastoral counselor, we were warned about trying to help. About trying to help them. And if you're in one chair, they are in another chair. And if you're thinking that there's something broken in them that you are going to fix to help, that's treating them like an object.

[12:58]

And most of the time, I think we don't like that so much. Being treated as an object, as a thing. Especially a broken thing like that. So, helping others, for example. Like here, you see somebody, preferably new, they haven't been here a while, make an infraction of the rules. Immediately, anxiety arises inside oneself. A discomfort. For many reasons. But there's a discomfort. And the way to ease that discomfort is to fix them. To help them. By correcting them. And that feels, at least as I recall, that feels really good to do that to or for somebody.

[14:01]

However, I've since come to find out, by talking to the correctee, or listening to the correctee, that it was a very painful event. So if this is a secret, I would love to make it known. That whenever those with the designated authority, like Eno, Tonto, you know, those guys. Me, of course. Whenever somebody, other than the designated ones, the burden of that correction is placed upon the designated ones. And it's really a burden. Once you've done it enough, you realize how painful it is. And how precarious. And how often, personally dangerous, potentially dangerous it could be. So, whenever... Oh, I think I forgot the end of the sentence.

[15:03]

Whenever... Well, anyway, I think there should be a new rule. Which is, anybody who hasn't been here for at least five years should not correct anybody else. Help anybody else. A lot of the pain and the anguish, well, pain, anguish, suffering, distress, comes from just that very thing, strangely enough. I wonder if you knew that. You probably know it personally. But there's one phrase I learned very early on, from the Eno at Green Gulch, my first practice period. She said something to me when I was trying to be helpful. She said, we have an expression, it's called, doing your own practice. And I thought that was rather assaulting. But then she went on to say that, really, tend to your own self. The others are doing the best they can. And that's not like, the best they can, how pitiful.

[16:06]

It's the best they can, how perfect. How perfect. For where they are, who they are, when they are. So that's one cause of karmic effect. By trying to help others, but really by helping yourself. Sometimes, I think if we're really lucky, like spending time facing a wall, the sort of buried karmic effects, you know the ones that take years and years to surface, because they're so scary in the first place, start to emerge. It's almost as if they say, oh, are you going to help me? Are you willing to listen now? Can we come up now to be healed? Just because we're keeping quiet and practicing compassion, I hope. So sometimes they come up to be healed. For example,

[17:07]

I don't know if I've ever told this in public before, but my first practice period here, Blanche was the, I think she was, yeah, I think she was there. And I had, it was during Sashin, the first Sashin, and I had this dream about this two-year-old, little, little kid, who was all bruised and banged up and smashed, and part of their left leg was missing, and it was ragged, and face all broken. And this child was walking towards me, and I was repulsed. I was disgusted and tried to make it go away. Did I say that was a dream? That was a dream. And then the next day, sitting again, I think I was over there, sitting again, this figure came up again,

[18:10]

and I realized, oh, my God, it's me. It was me. And thankfully was able to say, oh, you know, my heart went out, which I think is the fundamental response to somebody in pain, and my heart went out. And for the rest of the day, I cried, and I don't cry easily at all, ever. And so I did, all day, and somehow, by the next day, I noticed that something in my life was missing. All for 40 years, I'd always been a very angry person. It's like there was a furnace inside, always, always burning, just ready, just waiting to lash out. And what I found that next day was the fire had gone out, had gone out. It seemed like when you walk into,

[19:17]

you know, your familiar living room, and you always trip over that stool, always. So one day you walk in, and the stool's gone. That was what it was like, which isn't to say that some of the habits of that anger don't linger. In fact, I seem to be finding out more and more that they have remained. For example, if I may confess, sarcasm, which to me has always been a delight, for me, and it's no secret that I knew that sarcasm is, somebody's called it the language of the powerless. The language of the powerless. And being reminded the other day that I still use it. In fact, I don't even know it anymore. I don't think I can, I don't recognize it very easily.

[20:20]

But anyway, I realized, oh my goodness gracious, I mean, I'm still doing that, and I don't feel powerless anymore. In fact, pretty much the opposite. So, if I may invite any of you who hear me do that, sarcasm, please let me know. Please let me know. I don't really notice it so easily. And if I do it too much, then I can tell you not to tell me anymore, okay? But no, I'm, I'm, I'm, pardon? No. No, seriously, please, please do. So, zazen mind is one thing we can do with karmic effects. I'm sitting here. Early on, I read somewhere that by doing zazen,

[21:22]

karma is erased. Can you imagine such a thing? And maybe it's like that experience. I don't know. But that in having zazen mind, which as far as I can tell, is having an open mind, and with a forgiving heart, that anything that enters into that field is resolved. He goes on to say, Zenji goes on to say in that sutra, that we melt away the root of our transgressions by the power of our repentance. Repentance. Not an easy, I don't think that's such a good choice of words, especially if you come from a Christian background, as I do. Repentance, that, that reminds me of like ashes, sackcloths, flagellation and stuff. But I don't think, I don't think that's what he has in mind, when he says that.

[22:23]

I think he just means admitting what actually is the case. And perhaps, well, another story. I don't know who said this, and I usually get the details wrong. But I do remember the point. So, there's a young monk, who has had an awakening experience, who goes to this new teacher, this old man, might have been an old woman, don't know, probably old man. But, so, and he says, and the old man says, the teacher says, you haven't been seeing me so much, why is that? You haven't come to ask me any questions, why is that? And the young man says, well, I don't really need to, I had such an amazing awakening experience with, who's this down the street? I haven't really needed to. And the teacher said, oh, really? What was the turning phrase for you? And the young man,

[23:24]

the young monk says, the lamp boy seeking light. And the teacher said, oh, what does that mean to you? And the young monk went on to say, well, you know, a lamp boy who has a light, I mean, he has the Buddha nature, why does he go out looking somewhere else for it? And the old teacher says, oh, just as I thought, you really don't understand. And the young monk says, oh, what? And huffs and puffs and leaves. And so he's walking away from the monastery, and it suddenly hits him, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. This guy has a stellar reputation, and he's supposed to be a really good teacher. He must be trying to tell me something. So he turns around, walks back, goes back and sees the teacher. And he bows profoundly.

[24:26]

And the teacher says, what? And the young monk says, please tell me the essence, please tell me the truth, the essence of Zen. And the teacher says, a lamp boy seeking light, and he is awakened, truly awakened. So you get it, don't you? You know, what's different, what's different between the two lamp boy things? He comes back, and he totally surrenders. He apologizes completely. So perhaps the power of apology, maybe it's a good thing to not let that escape us, the power of true apology. One thing, I could never apologize, ever, before I came here. Well, there was no need, it was their fault.

[25:29]

But once I learned here, which is very easy, to learn that, no, it's you, it's yourself, it became increasingly easier through practice, grueling practice, to say, oh, I'm really sorry. Yeah, so that's one way of dealing with karmic effects, to apologize and surrender completely. But of course, karmic effects occur on the level of the ego. The ego doesn't like that. The ego doesn't like that kind of invulnerability, that kind of opening, too threatening, unless you practice with it. But that's not the whole story. Dogen goes on to say, by revealing and disclosing our lack of faith, that's where the power comes in, by revealing and disclosing our lack of faith,

[26:31]

well, faith, what? Faith in what? Faith in what? Do you all know homeless Kodo? Kodo Sawaki Roshi. His heir, Uchiyama Roshi, who is now dead, Kodo founded Antaiji, some of you may have heard of that, Antaiji. Sit too much, Antaiji. No fun, they have no fun, no services, no nothing. Awful place. But at any rate, Uchiyama Roshi made this book called The Zen Teaching of Homeless Kodo. Kodo Sawaki Roshi was called homeless because he didn't have a pot to pee in, pretty much, most of his life. By choice. Uchiyama talks about no use.

[27:33]

Sawaki Roshi says, what is the use of doing Zazen? There is no use in doing Zazen. Until this penetrates your thick skull, and you are really doing Zazen that have no use, it is really of no use. I love this guy. Uchiyama responds by saying, throughout his life, Sawaki Roshi said, there is no use in doing Zazen. But Uchiyama, who was no fool, asked Kodo Roshi, if I study under you and practice Zazen for as long as you are able to teach, can I become a stronger person? That is the kind of question the ego asks. Can I improve myself? Can I become Superman? Well, Kodo immediately replied, no, you can't. No matter how hard you try.

[28:35]

I did not become the person I am because of Zazen. By nature I am this way. I haven't changed a bit since my youth. He goes on to say, Sawaki Roshi was unconventional and dynamic. Uchiyama says, when I heard his response to my question, I thought, I can be a stronger person through Zazen. He said otherwise, but that was just talk. Then he goes on to say, with this belief, I served him and continued practicing Zazen until he died. Thinking back to my past, I now understand that there is no use in doing Zazen. I am still a coward, and never became even a little like Sawaki Roshi. A violet blossoms as a violet, and a rose blossoms as a rose.

[29:37]

For violets, there is no need to produce rose blossoms. What bad news that is, and how happy it made me when I read that. You notice how the same thing keeps coming up in your lives? I think this says, well, yeah, it's supposed to be like that. You are the way you are because it's the way you are. Cool. In other words, you mean there's no need to fix me? I'm not broken? Well, apparently not. Sawaki Roshi goes on to say, everyone bears his own karma, but it is important that we are all led by Buddha. Casting aside body and mind, means that we throw away our egos, believing Buddha's teaching, and being led by Buddha. We throw away our egos. I think there's the link. That's the missing piece. Maybe having faith is in knowing that there's something else.

[30:43]

Maybe our true nature. Getting a glimpse of it as it sneaks out the crack, the crack in our ego which we hate so much, that hurts so much. Perhaps that's not only where some of our nasty behavior leaks out, but where our true nature leaks out. Excuse me. Our true nature being of compassion, and wisdom, and joy, and love, and wonder. So, I think we have to be really careful when we're feeling vulnerable. In fact, I heard that Reb, who is the author of many pithy sayings, said, when asked, what do we do when we feel vulnerable? And he said, become more vulnerable. What a stupid thing to say. But perhaps that is the key. Perhaps by tending to ourselves very, very carefully, and not leaking, not smacking somebody else who annoys us, maybe that by approaching that hole,

[31:45]

or being with that opening with tenderness, maybe that's where we can start cultivating awareness of our true nature. Yeah. So, beware the Ides of March. Does everybody know where that comes from? It's when Julius Caesar, the original Caesar, a crack about Caesar's palace just went through my head, but I'm not going to do that. Caesar was assassinated on the 15th of March, the middle of March, the Ides of March. And since then, for 2,000 years, there has been this saying, beware the Ides of March. The Ides of March is an inauspicious time.

[32:48]

And so, our government is planning an operation on the Ides of March, apparently. What are they thinking? So, what do we do here? What do we do? What do we do? You know, I think whenever I visited contemplative monasteries, and I have a lot, I'm trying to find the right one, I notice that when I arrive, there's something about the place. There's a church in San Francisco, next to San Francisco State, on the hill. Is that the one? Huh? USF. USF, that's right. And there's this big church that the Jesuits built called St. Ignatius,

[33:52]

which is a fantastic monument to power. You just walk in and it's like, whoa. But next door, across the street, is this little biblical place. It's ornate. They had some money given to them, I suspect. What are they? Carmelites, they're Carmelites. Nuns. And they're enclosed. You never see them, except for one, called an extern. She sits in the back, doing beads. And, you know, so you sort of peek at her out the corner of your eye. I don't know what she was there for. Maybe to protect the place from us stealing the furniture. I don't know. But is that sarcasm? I guess not. It is a little bit, isn't it? Well, I don't mean it that way. So I think because she struck me as being very sweet, I'll be a very quiet person.

[34:58]

So at any rate, you don't see them. And sometimes when you go in, they're having a service. And they sit off this gigantic altar. They sit off to the side behind a grill, grill work. And you can hear their little voices singing the office, which is quite a treat. But the thing is, you walk into that space from outside, and oh, my goodness gracious, what is this? You can feel it. The silence is palpable. Palpable. You can feel it. You can taste it. You can touch it. There's something about it that's like, oh. This is like the in-between, the in-between place between the way we live outside and the, no word, well, the whole works. The whole works. It's like the in-between place between those two. And that's what I found with the contemplative monasteries, the ones that they don't go out.

[36:05]

They don't try to fix things or help things. They live the life of prayer and quiet. This place is like that. It may not seem so to live here. Or it may, especially in the summer when the guests come down and say, oh, this is so peaceful. Usually, at least my response is, what? What? This is peace? But for them it is. For them it is. And sometimes it's very life-changing for folks who come here, even during the summer. Imagine what it would be in the winter. Probably spooky. But they can feel it. They can feel it. And I think we live, by doing zazen, I think we live in that in-between place, that in-between, between the world outside and Buddha, if there is such a thing. I think that's where we operate.

[37:07]

And I think my impression is that places like this are the heart of the world. The heart of the world. And that our practice is what keeps the heart beating. I think we are actually the heart of the world. Because what do we keep alive? We try to face and see through the illusion of greed, hate, and delusion, which pretty much runs the rest of the show over the hill. By generating, we do this by generating compassion. Compassion meaning just being open to what is. And wisdom, which is the ability to see what is. So those two things I think we keep alive. War, as I said earlier, the way war works is to destroy compassion and wisdom. That's the only way it can work. With compassion, you can't kill another being.

[38:14]

And with wisdom, you see too much. You see the truth too much. So for war, you have to close off yourself from everything else, from others, and pretend that's true. Fog yourself. So I think that what we do is actually healing the world. And keeping it alive. So I guess what I wanted to say was, don't give up. I think, I don't know, I talked through the powers that be when they return. Whether it might not be helpful if this thing does come off, this war business, that maybe we should all get together in the dining room and talk about it. We did that during the 9-11 event.

[39:15]

Some found it helpful. So what I want to say is, don't give up. And for God's sakes, don't slough off, slack off, or goof off. Each of us, each of us here is important in keeping the heart alive. For the life of the world. So, especially when, I was just thinking a little while ago how odd it is. The expression is, when the cat's away, the mice will play. Not so here. When the cat's away, the mice disappear. Or some of them. And when the cats return, all the mice come out. No offense to mice. So outside, outside over the hill, our government is about to set everybody else's heads on fire.

[40:18]

And so I think it behooves us to really come together. Knuckle down, is that the expression? Knuckle down. And practice diligently. For real. Almost for real. Because it is life and death. For real. Always was. But sometimes it doesn't work that way. So, as far as I can tell, our job is to sit unmoved and resolute with the karmic effects that arise. Confusion, anger, hate, sorrow, fear, the whole works. To sit with those effects, meeting each one with an open mind and a forgiving heart. And not for our own benefit. You may not have noticed, but on the very fine print of your application, it says, Remember, you're not doing this for yourself alone.

[41:22]

You're doing this for the life of the world. Thank you.

[41:29]

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